… and at the end of my rope. I don’t know where to go or what to do. I have attempted suicide twice and am clearly too inept and too much of a coward to end my life properly. I have been dealing with depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts for fifteen years and have been on a variety of medications and have seen three different therapists to try and fix the problem. Today, I was told my feelings were (verbatim) “bullshit”; followed by a laugh and the shake of a head. The appointment ended with her saying “you make me laugh”. Thanks Paula.
I can barely function despite being able to put up a really good front. I go to work all day and then come home and sob. In the last year and a half, I have come out of an abusive relationship, developed an eating disorder, attempted suicide and become a total recluse (with the exception of my job where I have very little contact with people). Every day seems longer than the last and I can’t stand it anymore. I go to counseling to try and get help for all of this only to come home and cry because I am so frustrated by her not taking me seriously.
Everything in my life has become a contradiction. I want to die more than anything, but I am too afraid to “pull the trigger”. I want to talk to someone, but I don’t trust anyone. I never want to get close to another human being so long as I live, but I feel lonely all the time. Seeking help from all of these “professionals” hasn’t helped at all and neither have any of the lifestyle changes I have made. I am crumbling and I don’t know who to go to or what to do. I believe with every fiber of my being that none of these problems are going to go away until the day I die.
4 comments
im there. I feel like everyone is against me and I don’t know why. I cant trust anyone. except for you guys, I know theres this one thing we have in common and that’s looking forward to dying.
no, think of it like this: you didnt succeed in suicide cuz ur purpose is too great in this realm to leave. bam.
If you didn’t succeed, you did something wrong. If we first you don’t succeed try, try again.
You definitely need to stop seeing that therapist. I had a therapist once tell me she thought I was faking my “illnesses” just to get money. No one should ever laugh at your pain. If your therapist is in a private office you need to leave her, if she’s at a clinic I would report her to a supervisor. Although, every place works differently.
I understand not wanting to get close to anyone, and the fact that professionals have not helped you. I think it takes time to find the right person to trust and open up to. There are so many raisins in the world, you just have to pick through them to find a grape. You can always open up here, everyone is here to listen. I hope you don’t give up just yet.