Looking for hope

It’s Sunday and I am desperately in need of some hope…. I feel that I am coming dangerously closer and closer to the edge. I recently have been ruled physically disabled and unable to work due to an stomach illness that causes me to regurgitate most to all my meals. I have been diagnosed with this illness for the last four years. Doctors have no way of effectively treating my illness, so the possibility of improvement is bleak at best. At 18 I was declared mentally disabled due to several mental health diagnosis. After being on disability for 6 years and refusing to go to treatment I was kicked off disability. While not in treatment, I held employment for 8 straight years. Not alone did I maintain employment, but I also was receiving annual promotions. Sometimes receiving several a year. But now I have lost my employment due to my physical illness and my depression has come roaring back ferociously. Also since my depression has worsened I returned to therapy, however I came clean for the first time ever that there was a 4 year period I was sexually abused as a child. Since talking about it for the first time and sitting my family down and letting them know about the abuse, I have been troubled by nightmares, day terrors, and all kinds of horrible memories flashing back at any time. To make matters worse to this day I still live across the street from my abuser. So I constantly am reminded of these incidents, and whenever I walk out of the house I am revisiting a crime scene. I do have a loving and caring family support system, however that does not keep my mind from becoming exhausted of feeling hopeless. I do not have the money to move, nor do I want to experience a very public trial. So I continue to be victimized by abuser to this day. I have now a fixed income, while any income is better than none. I have no hope for the future. My physical health prevents me from working and keeping me mentally healthy. After vomiting up my meals almost every day for 4 years. My life is redundant and hopeless. Going no where not feeling like I have a future on this planet other than the constant suffering that I am growing evermore tired of enduring. I feel like an albatross around my family’s neck even though I am aware that those are just my feelings and don’t necessarily reflect reality. I am just tired of the suffering with no end in site…….