Im a 20 year old male and this is my story, i dont really feel like commiting suicide but i just want to share this story. I have never cutted or harmed myself in any way possible.
Ive been a normal kid before someone told me i got a tad fatter in a matter of weeks (im still 2mteters talls and i weigh 75kg..). Since that day my life went downhill really fast, i started to look away from people and the real life because i fellt like i wasnt good enough in others peoples eyes. Since that day i just felt like anything i did i just couldnt get away with like the most simple things such as using something thats limited in for example a library because someone else could spend their time better because i’m just useless and weird. Im a very funny guy with humor and i like to joke around a lot so i dont know if i have serious anxciety problems or not…
Over the years this has become worse and worse, im glad when the sun shines because i can use sunglasses so i can hide my eyes and my feelings. I have bad anxciety and i cant
look at girls unless i have been drinking alcoholic drinks. People dont really notice me looking at everybody who comes along because im always looking for the acception from random people on the streets. I have failed this years exams twice so need to redo it aswell, its because i dont wanna wake up because i know people will look at me, although its probably because of my crazy hair lol. My daily routine is pretty much this;
Go to school (if im not feeling shit like the other 6days of the week), come home play games (Runescape, yes runescape the game we all used to play when we were 13 years old). I play on avg 10-15hours per day while watching streams/movies etc. I tend to enjoy snacks while doing this and i get into a really chill mood. I go to sleep like 1am because im tired and i dont have sleeping problems, can easily get in sleep. I feel really depressed when i know i have work in the evenings because i cant play my game. I admit that im addicted to playing video games and im aware of this. Now i also have had ringings in my ears for years now because of the loud music i put on (high volume) but it might be because i have a lot of earwax which im getting checked out in 2days and im pretty sure its that :).
After typing this all i feel a bit better but it will be worse again tommorow, but suicide is not the option. Ive been reading here for weeks now and i would never ever do it because i cant do this to my mom because i love her too much and i cant leave her with me commiting suicide, i get strong feelings while typing this about my mother because shes always there for me. Love you mom.
Thanks for reading this guys/girl really means a lot.