I’ve never felt like I fit in – lost in a crowded room..
At school I was painfully shy – I wear a mask so no one knows the real me.
But the strangest feeling I’ve had since I can remember is that I feel like I just don’t belong here. Like maybe I was born in the wrong century or country.. I can’t explain it any better than that, but I feel so lost and like I don’t want to be here anymore – Its like I remember something, or someone and I miss them and desperately want to be with them again – but I can’t… I don’t know how to make it better. I just have this profound, unending sadness in the core of my soul and it won’t go away. I am 49 now, and have never felt more lost. I have kids, but no man in my life .. I feel like I’m just done. I’m too sad..
I wasn’t going to bother posting this – but as today wears on.. I feel more and more like cutting again – its ridiculous – to be my age and want to cut – wtf? My mind is tortured and tormented by the past, things I said, did, why won’t it just stop? Why does this drone on day after day – year after year – why can’t I just be over? Wtf am I waiting for – ?