I’m that typical 3 sport athlete girl who you expect to be fine, always look fine, always feel fine, but I’m not. I’m not at all..
Tonight was Cross Country practice and as doing Cross for four years now I know what to expect, or so I thought. Growing up running I use to finish and never quit, never want to give up, or stop but tonight was different. The distance I should have easily ran and should have been able to complete I couldn’t. The thoughts in my mind I usually can control and continue to motivate myself, I couldn’t. Usually the statement “Your mind says you can’t, but your body says you can.” I kept repeating that but next thing you know I’m lying face down in some random prairie seeing stars. I just want to cry, all the things I should be able to do, I just can’t. This depression and this stupid eating disorder has effected me to much. I’m scared of food and scared of the fact I can’t even run, the thing I love to do, I can’t.
My mind is playing tricks on me. Although I should be able to control the negative thoughts, they are just taking over, I’m fat, I’m worthless, there’s no hope, why do I even try anymore? All I want is some sense of light, showing my mind that this isn’t the end of what it seems although I feel like it. Why do I feel like ending my own life is the only way to escape this wretched world. Or at least get away. Why me? Why do I have to go through all this..
I feel like life itself is a race. We are all running our hardest and at some point we just can’t go any farther, everyone around us stops cheering us on and we just tell ourselves we can’t do it, and we fall out face down and to bluntly say it. We eat dirt.. How long will I stay down and eat the dirt and how long will it take one person to reach out a hand and help me stand up and tell me this is not you. I just don’t care anymore, and why do people give up early in the races? Why did I try and keep trying to end my race? (metaphorically) Why do others get to finish their race and I don’t.. I don’t even get encouragement, I’m just slowly enduring and suffocating in all this pain.
When will all of this be over.. When will someone just help me. Or when will my mind be for me, not against me?…
9 comments
Wow. Yeah things can be rough at times and quitting can come to mind. I have been there several times at least. Just wanting to quit life, stop the race and cash out. But every time I have been to that point I have had like a breakdown then got help…. then came out ok and was glad to be alive after the smoke disappeared.
So I understand you to some degree and I can tell you things can get better. Im wondering how long you have had the eating disorder and wonder if anybody ever bullied you early on in life??. Like name calling or putting you down. etc.
I also wonder if you have ever gone for help for the depression issue.??
You sound like a strong person and maybe even an overachiever in some ways. You might be pushing yourself to hard and if your pushing your body to the limit, but not eating properly and have depression on top of it That all could amount to situations like you collapsing and seeing stars.
I think you should cut back on vigorous activities until you can get a hold on your eating situation and your depression.
See if you can see a psychiatrist or a therapist so you have a professional to talk to about this.
I think it would really help.
Ironically I’m seeing all of that, I’ve been seeing a psychiatrist for awhile now as well a nutrionist and a regular doctor as well and all keep saying “Their worried about me.” I’ve had this eating for 6 months now and I’ve lost 24 pounds and I’m really still in the making. Thank you for asking questions though, makes me feel like someone actually cares.. Being bullied, I would have to say maybe by only my parents. They haven’t really cared and they always expect so much out of me when I can’t ever reach their standards. How amazing it would be to take a break too, but then again if I did.. What would I be, or what would I consist of if I just took a break and maybe enjoyed life? I’m just so scared, scared of really all of this. Thank you for the response, it means a lot..
Wow, such a perfect metaphor for life and so well put. We psych ourselves out, don’t we? And one day something that we’ve done 100 times before no problem is absolutely impossible.
I’m going to give this a lot of thought on how it relates to life. As for running or any kind of performance, it might be time for you to take a break. Fake an injury, or come up with some other acceptable excuse, but I really think you could use some downtime from the pressure & expectations.
Can we do the same thing in life? I don’t know. It’s not so easy to fake an injury and take a break from life. The competition never lets up.
I only ran one race in my life, and I remember just staring at my feet and counting out a mechanical rhythm. It was the only way I could finish. Looking up and seeing how far I had to go would’ve been the end of it. And maybe we should keep that in mind when looking at the future. Great post, LIM.
Thank you so much for seeing my metaphor and really interpreting well. As I said in the other comment as much as I’m dying to stop and just breathe and enjoy life, what will I be? Who will I be? Sports are really my identity and without them I don’t know who I am.. I know that’s so sad, but it’s how my heart really feels. Brilliant idea though with faking an injury, brought a smile to my face when you said that! But if only life we could just take breaks and really focus on who we are and what we are becoming because I really have no idea anymore.. But thank you. For really
Ok, I got it! the answer to all your troubles lol. March into the coach’s office and say “Yo coach, I gotta take a break. Found out I have a really gory hangnail on my left big toe, so.”
Then (here’s the key), continue doing athletics but only for YOURSELF. Secretly. Run the perimeter of the Grand Canyon or put on a fake moustache and do the Tour de France or something. But I think the key is to enjoy the high of what you enjoy but for yourself, not for any other pressures. I dunno, is that idea half-baked enough to possibly work?
Here’s why I think it will help. There is a strong parallel between your situation & mine… I knew it the minute I read your post but couldn’t piece it together until the next day. I used to be a performer of sorts, not half bad. And then just like you described, one day I lost my nerve. Choked up. Whatever you call it, but I just couldn’t do it, and that’s when I disappeared from the act without even a goodbye.
Leaving it all felt good… for a while. Just as you wisely predicted, it’s fun to just enjoy life. But very quickly you start asking yourself what you’re worth if you’re not using your talents. And the answer is: nothing. And I went thru the darkest depression I’ve ever known.
But the beauty is you can still do it all, just for yourself. Exercise those muscles literally and metaphorically, keep your talents alive but without the cheer of the crowd or the prodding of parents or all that stuff. Me, I’m slowly getting back into the groove. Will I ever be what I was? No. I’ll be 10x fricken better 😛 I think… And the point is, the expectations of others is what drives us over the edge and makes us choke. It’s the same story with everyone, whether you’re an athlete or a poet. Cut out those expectations and you can get to the real heart of what you’re all about.
Again… I think. The night is still young….
Seeing the hope of this..
YES! there is hope. Hope is good. I think you really need a break,,
I can sense that you know you need a bit of break from the vigorous physical activities to deal with your issues too.
Now some other points that may help > 1) you don’t have to completely cut out all your physical activities; you can cut back on it, but still have some according to your needs 2) You don’t have to tell your coaches exactly why your cutting back > you could just say “I need time to work on personal issues” and leave it at that or you could just say “My doctors say I need to cut back on physical activities” and leave it at that.
3) also you say you feel your sports activities are kind of a part of you that define who you are>> well maybe its time to try something else, something new. Try photography, or art, music, reading, writing, dance or something else. There re lots of things you can be happy about that don’t involve intense physical strain.
explore a new side to yourself… you might find that you can be just as happy with something else that doesn’t involve running for miles on end.
The arts are also know to bring about an inner healing and that could be good for you.
good luck
It’s so weird how you like.. Get me. And that’s exactly what I need is just know the only thing I can do is expect what is, I just need to get past the breaking point of letting it all go. You’re very humorous as well, I like to smile reading your comments, thanks for that, it’s been awhile since I’ve smiled. But maybe you’re right, these “sports” don’t define me and I should just do what I want to do rather then feeling like I need to and being a necessity.
Thank you for that too, I shouldn’t be putting all these strains on my body and really feeling like I have to, sometimes it’s just hard to see if I was made to be something other then this.. But I’m sure there is something.