I’m that typical 3 sport athlete girl who you expect to be fine, always look fine, always feel fine, but I’m not. I’m not at all..
Tonight was Cross Country practice and as doing Cross for four years now I know what to expect, or so I thought. Growing up running I use to finish and never quit, never want to give up, or stop but tonight was different. The distance I should have easily ran and should have been able to complete I couldn’t. The thoughts in my mind I usually can control and continue to motivate myself, I couldn’t. Usually the statement “Your mind says you can’t, but your body says you can.” I kept repeating that but next thing you know I’m lying face down in some random prairie seeing stars. I just want to cry, all the things I should be able to do, I just can’t. This depression and this stupid eating disorder has effected me to much. I’m scared of food and scared of the fact I can’t even run, the thing I love to do, I can’t.
My mind is playing tricks on me. Although I should be able to control the negative thoughts, they are just taking over, I’m fat, I’m worthless, there’s no hope, why do I even try anymore? All I want is some sense of light, showing my mind that this isn’t the end of what it seems although I feel like it. Why do I feel like ending my own life is the only way to escape this wretched world. Or at least get away. Why me? Why do I have to go through all this..
I feel like life itself is a race. We are all running our hardest and at some point we just can’t go any farther, everyone around us stops cheering us on and we just tell ourselves we can’t do it, and we fall out face down and to bluntly say it. We eat dirt.. How long will I stay down and eat the dirt and how long will it take one person to reach out a hand and help me stand up and tell me this is not you. I just don’t care anymore, and why do people give up early in the races? Why did I try and keep trying to end my race? (metaphorically) Why do others get to finish their race and I don’t.. I don’t even get encouragement, I’m just slowly enduring and suffocating in all this pain.
When will all of this be over.. When will someone just help me. Or when will my mind be for me, not against me?…