I don’t really have problems. My life is pretty awesome. I am surrounded by people who love me, I am likable, I am cute, and I make other people happy. I can’t really ask for more.
But there is a hollowness to all of it. An emptiness that I have felt for many years. And under that, a pain that I have been pushing down and burying deep, deep inside.
I don’t know why it hurts, just that it always has. When I think about it, I can feel it. I’m always aware of it. This terrible sucking, aching, vacuous throbbing that beats inside my chest and travels along my bones. It’s killing me. It makes me want to die.
I wish I could excise it. I wish I could just cut it out. For the last 17 years, the best I have been able to do is pretend it isn’t there. But it has been with me this whole time, telling me to kill myself. Presenting suicide as an option. Conjuring up gruesome images of what it would look like if I just turned my steering wheel, or stepped into traffic, or walked off a cliff.
It would be so easy.
And then it would be done.
And I want to be done. I want this feeling to be gone. It’s not that I want to die, or that I deserve to die or anything. I am a relatively good person living a relatively good life. But I’d give that all away, in an instant, to just stop existing anymore.
I often feel like it’s just a matter of how.
2 comments
I feel the exact same way. I’ve got a great job and I’m going to school. I’ve also with a great girl. I honestly don’t think I could be in a better position. Yet, I feel extremely empty. I’m obsessed with the thought of suicide anymore. I had attempted it a few months ago, but told everyone that it was just a side effect from some meds I was on, to avoid the shame. I’m honestly not sure what to do at this point.
I think it stems from a lack of purpose and meaning. I mean, I can’t see any purpose for this life. I’m not religious and I just can’t rationalize anything beyond death. Why should I waste my time (or anyone else’s for that matter) waiting for death? I’m going to do a bunch of things that no one will remember in a few years (and even if they do, what’s it matter?) then die. I just can’t pull any sort of purpose out of this existence.
If you feel that way, then that might mean you do have a problem.
Maybe something you haven’t manage to figure out or define yet.
You’re saying you’re feeling this way for a long time?
You shouldn’t have neglected it so long.
You should either try and figure out what really makes you feel that way, if you can’t on your own you might want to get someone to help you.
If you truely don’t feel like you have any problem that causes you to feel that way, it might be a sickness that’s causing you to have that, and you should get it diagnosed so you can enjoy your life again.
You can’t pretend it isn’t there, it will only make it worse on you.