Its like 2:30, i’m still awake for no real reason other than debating whether I should go to work in the morning or just not go and die at a relatively soon timing. I’ve had serious thoughts about not existing since late elementary to early middle school and its just developed into a sad hobby of sorts. I’ve spent at least half an hour to an hour daily recently looking up different ways to kill myself and I think the only reason I haven’t done it yet is that my biggest fear is failing and being unable to make another attempt for whatever reason. My first time needs to be my only time and I think I’ve narrowed it down to a couple options, helium gas, hanging, shooting, and the most preferable is getting another to do it for me since its the most likely to be seen all the way through. Honestly my life’s really not that bad, i’m 20 yo with some money saved and I’ve been living on my own for about 4 months now. I have alot of new power and free time I didn’t have before and all the energy is spent into not wanting to be here anymore. I tried therapy a few times and nobody really connected or even peeked my interest into living. I used to think about dying like it was something I shouldent want to do, I honestly wished back then words existed to help me out, but the more I dwelled the less I cared and its something I ended up looking forward to. Nothing excites me more than almost crashing my car on the highway or walking in bad neighborhoods at night and (childishly) sitting in dark rooms thinking about Bloody Mary, or Jason, or even a random person just coming in and slicing me up. In a way its helped me get over my fear of almost anything. I’ve told my mother and my friends about this and they worry, but ya know, death can be anytime. I could order my helium tank and accessories now, get it in the mail in a couple days and die right after. At least one day out of the week I just get into a mode where life is the most uninteresting thing and suicide becomes an obsession. Its gotten worse and worse everytime. I’m just waiting for the one day I become extraordinarily irrational and my inhibitions fade. I keep telling myself soon.