Its like 2:30, i’m still awake for no real reason other than debating whether I should go to work in the morning or just not go and die at a relatively soon timing. I’ve had serious thoughts about not existing since late elementary to early middle school and its just developed into a sad hobby of sorts. I’ve spent at least half an hour to an hour daily recently looking up different ways to kill myself and I think the only reason I haven’t done it yet is that my biggest fear is failing and being unable to make another attempt for whatever reason. My first time needs to be my only time and I think I’ve narrowed it down to a couple options, helium gas, hanging, shooting, and the most preferable is getting another to do it for me since its the most likely to be seen all the way through. Honestly my life’s really not that bad, i’m 20 yo with some money saved and I’ve been living on my own for about 4 months now. I have alot of new power and free time I didn’t have before and all the energy is spent into not wanting to be here anymore. I tried therapy a few times and nobody really connected or even peeked my interest into living. I used to think about dying like it was something I shouldent want to do, I honestly wished back then words existed to help me out, but the more I dwelled the less I cared and its something I ended up looking forward to. Nothing excites me more than almost crashing my car on the highway or walking in bad neighborhoods at night and (childishly) sitting in dark rooms thinking about Bloody Mary, or Jason, or even a random person just coming in and slicing me up. In a way its helped me get over my fear of almost anything. I’ve told my mother and my friends about this and they worry, but ya know, death can be anytime. I could order my helium tank and accessories now, get it in the mail in a couple days and die right after. At least one day out of the week I just get into a mode where life is the most uninteresting thing and suicide becomes an obsession. Its gotten worse and worse everytime. I’m just waiting for the one day I become extraordinarily irrational and my inhibitions fade. I keep telling myself soon.
share your suicide story
Report Post
Please log in to report posts
1 comment
I’m 22 and I’m also new. Welcome (:
My initiation to a similar dark frame of mind came when I was 18 coinciding with the eventual diagnosis of a psych condition. Despite treatment (sort of) and knowing I have a problem I’ve always obsessed over dying and going through with suicide. The very idea is a happy one, and intoxicating at some points. Almost empowering to have some control over an existence careering to I don’t know where and do not care. For me, there’s a line between thinking about it and feeling it. Just thinking is okay, but feeling it is different. The sense of loneliness, alienation and feeble weakness cripple me and I can only think of a perpetual dark and slumber as a respite. That is where any of my hope comes from.
So far, I’ve done okay in the past few years though I have made three attempts against my life that were much more than just simple cries for help. They were as honest as what I was feeling, and still feel. I’ve also struggled with self-harm by cutting and burning, and at times have been heavy on the drink and drugs for an escape. Through it all, I do only okay. Sometimes, not so much. But I still try as best as I can.
I hope you take care, and report back soon.
Also: 1.) therapy is grueling. I thought it pointless but it really can help, all you need is to find the right therapist. Trust me, there’s good ones and totally SUCK one’s out there. I had them all. Keep looking if you feel up to it. 2.) be careful of gas for suicide. If you live, you could have some serious brain damage. Same goes for pills.
I think of the line “it’s better to burn out than fade away.” And I’ve faded quite a lot.