How many times do we have to feel grief, fear, hatred, jealousy and everything else put together do we people have to go through? How many times do you sit there and feel dead inside when someone is constantly bringing you down. I have a boyfriend and he can sit there and call me beautiful and say he loves me but I don’t feel it. I feel used, I hate it knowing that he always prefers to watch beautiful blond perfect body’s fuck themselves but won’t touch me. Unless he feels so hard that he needs a vagina to get him off.
I almost jumped off the bridge a couple days ago but someone sat there with me and told me even though she didn’t know me she cared. She sat we with outside for an half in hour in the freezing rain in a tank top just to tell me I’m worth something. And in that moment I really did feel like I was cared for. Then I had to go back to my boyfriends house cause I live with him.
I hate myself, my body and as stupid as it sounds my soul. I was in the hospital for awhile and wasn’t able to walk. They forced me to gain weight and prevent me from playing the sports I loved. My body became so fat and ugly but I believed he loved me regardless. I wanted to do better for myself and start going to the gym but I feel like I would need to transform myself into those perfect bombshells. I have been compared to those women in the past and that really just put shit on your shoulders. From day one I told him I don’t prefer men who do that and people can say “he’s a guy he has needs” but what I’m saying is that I don’t like it, the fuck with other couples being okay with that shit but I’m not.
I feel so jealous that he can look at them and instantly get hard and jack off in the washroom beside our room. He even told me that he gets bored of me wish there was more. More of what? I don’t even know that many guys that would prefer porn over actually sex. I hate that I can’t get the same reaction out of him when I get naked. It makes me feel so useless and so dead that I can’t even do something like that.
How can I expect someone to love me when I don’t even love me. But how do I even start? When you feel so useless to the one you love and claims that they love you too for who you are. No. It’s all bullshit and lies, probably pity knowing how broken some I think I am. Until then I’m nothing but a bed warmer.
Tell me this; how far do we let someone push us until we let them push us off that bridge?