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Suicide & Therapy

by Indigo11

I’ve been on this website for about a week now.

I’m in therapy.  I have been for numerous different reasons since I was 11, now 33.

I’ve told my therapist about being suicidal, that I have plans, that there are constant images at night, and I have access to guns.

Everything I’ve said is ignored.  I don’t talk to friends or family about any of this – because I’m the one that everyone depends on to help them with their issues (doesn’t help that all of them know my degree is in psychology).

I’ve started developing better assertiveness skills… but the suicide stuff won’t stop.

I’m seen as “being ok” during my meetings, but during the week – I’m so defeated and lonely.  I sometimes wish that I had “assignments” during the week but never have said that to him, because I have a feeling it would backfire.  I’m an emotional train waiting to crash and burn… at least that’s what it seems like.

Ethical reasons, he should be reporting my suicide stuff.  I don’t want him to, and I think he knows this as well.  A lot of times I’m venting, but anger is new to me… suicide isn’t, just the extent it has been so vividly in my thoughts and images so often.  He also knows about previous attempts – everything seems to be ignored.  Why the hell am I still going?  Sometimes, I often wonder that myself at this point.

I do so much better when I was able to email with him.  It became another chance to be “ok” during the week… but due to it becoming too much of therapy through emails, I basically stopped for the most part.


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jripers 6/9/2015 - 5:04 am

Bad times. I’m in a similar camp. What kind of degree do you have?

Indigo11 6/9/2015 - 8:57 pm

I have an General Studies Associates, with a main focus in Psychology. Working towards a BA in Psychology, Human Development, and Neuroscience.

RealTalk30 6/15/2015 - 3:26 am

If anything.. neuroscience should help you realize how much potential your life could have. I’ve studied the subject on my own. It helps me to have more compassion for those who don’t understand what they are feeling.

Indigo11 8/12/2015 - 11:21 am

It does for me too. I’ve taken a break from everything lately though.

jripers 6/15/2015 - 3:14 am

Have you considered telling your counsellor/therapist that the current approach he/she is taking isn’t being effective? What college are you attending? Not to be creepy, I’m just working on a psych degree too.

Indigo11 8/12/2015 - 11:20 am

I have talked to him. A few times and now he is on vacation for a month. He said I can still email him, but what’s the point? He already says he won’t reply even when he isn’t on vacation. Then it just makes things worse. I’m at a university in Washington.

1bigzero 8/12/2015 - 12:05 pm

I’m currently in the middle of a book called, “How I Stayed Alive When My Brain Was Trying to Kill Me”. (Susan Rose Blauner; 362.287 B613 at the local library) She talks about creating a crisis plan for dealing with recurring thoughts of suicide. (I love the last step in her plan: Put down your weapons and keep both hands on the phone! 🙂

The ‘read a book’ approach won’t work for everyone, but being that you appear to be the academic type, you might be able to extract a thread or anchor of hope from this one.

Indigo11 8/12/2015 - 12:58 pm

Thanks for the book info. I just sent it to my phone after reading a preview of it.

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