Tainted.

I just want to be loved, is that selfish?

I saw some kids walking down the street today, I wish I had friends like that, the one group of friends I had at school really just never bothered to get rid of me, only one of them has gone out of their way to talk to me since I graduated, maybe I am a little greedy, wanting more people with me.

My mom and my sister were talking about their friends in school the other day, my mom’s story was particularly painful to hear: all of them were different people, but they were still a tight group, practically sisters.

I already knew, but that really drove home the point that being different isn’t the problem here, it’s something in/about me, it’s not because I’m something or other, it’s because I am me, pure and simple.

It’s like almost everyone that meets me grows to hate me.

I tried to make a short film in school, nobody liked/trusted me enough and I didn’t trust them right back, it didn’t help that I crushed hard on the cinematographer and started being a ***** to his girlfriend, that part is definitely my fault, and one more reason I hate me.

I’ve already ranted about my family, so let’s not go there, I’d hate to make people want to kill me, on a forum called ‘The Suicide Project’, no less.

I wish I had a boyfriend, though, I’m not crushing on anyone in particular, but I hug myself to sleep most nights, especially when I’m sick, sometimes I even dream I have one, waking up hurts, seeing couples hurts, it’s like Valentine’s day EVERY DAY.

I’m wide awake the more I sleep, you’ll understand when I’m dead…

I wish things could have been different, I really do, I can barely feel anything anymore, it feels good when I get scared/hurt, the actual pain and fear are a *****, but I feel human, and I guess that’s okay.

If I’m living my life, then why does it feel like my heart will break in two?