So, I had a conversation today:
Sister’s friend: Hi (my name), how are ya?
Sister’s friend: *nervous laughter* Well, that’s good.
Me: Depends on your perspective.
Sister’s friend: *more nervous laughter* You’re funny…
This aggravates me, far be it from me to seek attention or, god forbid, support, but it seems like people, especially the ones around me, feel comfortable ignoring every snide and brutally honest comment I make, do I have to hold up a sign?
Hell, while I’m reminiscing, gather ’round kids, let me tell you a story:
Late(ish) last year, I was walking home, along a busy street, when some kids started following me, they happened to be friends with a girl who wanted to beat/kill me (because, ironically enough, I’d called her out on being violent), so they started following me, making cracks behind my back, when that didn’t work, they straight-up yelled insults and threats until I crossed the road to go home, even then, I didn’t bother turning around, but I think one of them tried to moon/flash his junk from across the road, in front of dozens of people, none of them did a thing, so fuck those ‘people’.
When I got home, I was pissed/upset, when I threw my bag down and barged into my dad’s study, he turned around, stared at me, then, in his infinite wisdom, berated me for being late for school that morning, I completely ignored him, went into my room, and cried at the sheer horror of being alive.
About two hours later, I came out of my room and went out to talk to dad, his only response was ‘are you over your little patty?’ (‘patty’ means tantrum in dad language :P)
I almost threw a book at his head, end of story.
The story about my mom trying to guilt trip me out of seeing a therapist will have to wait until next time.
My father wonders why I don’t talk about my puny little feelings, in fact, he gets quite angry about it, sometimes he thinks I don’t love him, I do love him, and I always will, but sometimes I rather dislike him, shit like this is why I will never understand ‘masculinity’, the point still stands that if I told him my feelings, wanting to be a girl, wanting to die, stuff like that… he’d disown me, or try to toughen me up, he might even try to yell the sad out of me -_-
I always get yelled at anyway, for not being motivated and not doing my part for the family/household, it’s a bit hard when I want to just drop dead, darling mother, I hope you understand that.
Of course, if I actually told my family exactly how much I want to die, they’d either call bullshit or throw up.
It doesn’t matter anyway, because if I told them, and they believed me, I’d soon find myself doped out of my mind in a mental facility, yes, they’re those kind of people, they’ll gladly do that to me without bothering to figure out why I feel that way, I have to be a part of this ‘happy’ family, whether I want to or not.
Matter of fact, from what I understand, if I told that to a psychologist, they’d be legally compelled to do the same.
Why can’t people accept that, in today’s day and age, there’s nothing explicitly wrong with you if you want to want to die?
Also, side note, I tried looking up transgender musicians, I couldn’t find any that I like, that’s comforting, so very comforting 🙁