the climb with no peak

Every day feels less meaningful and I’m trying so hard to be positive but I feel like I’m just wearing down.  I pretend to be happy around people and the only ones who I can tell about how empty I feel is my counselor and my mom, but she rolls her eyes and gets irritated when I bring up these things.  I don’t have any relationships that have any degree of intimacy.  I just want to be able to be honest with someone and to be myself.  I’m tired of waiting for it to happen though and I just want to be happy without needing things to happen.  I don’t feel pretty inside: I feel guilty and disgusting, like I committed a monstrous crime or like I’m just not worth existing.  Everything feels without purpose and I can’t stop despising myself for all the opportunities I’ve missed because I’m afraid of everyone and want to hide from the world.  I feel like such a loser because my friends are traveling and getting married and what am I doing?  Living at home with my parents and staying in school an extra year, like a timid helpless baby.  I’m just so tired of trying and I don’t know where to look anymore.