It’s not like I want to die, don’t get me wrong. I just…. want everything to stop. I want the world to wait for me to figure things out and then move on. Of course that can’t happen, and I know that.
Sleep, though, is something that helps. I want to sleep for a while. Or, forever. I want to go to bed and not wake up. Sounds like a good way to go. I want to forget everything, wind back time to where I wasn’t like this. Just a few months ago I was normal. Happy. I made a mistake, something that’s not a big deal, but something I feel really guilty about.
And I haven’t been eating, I’ve been working myself to exhaustion just to distract myself, I haven’t been sleeping. I’ve worried myself to the point where being nauseous is normal. It’s not like I can change all of this, it’s not a big deal, honestly. But, lately I just feel like I don’t want to wake up. A coma sounds appealing right now. I know I shouldn’t wish for these things, because they’re tragic and awful and fucked up, but I can’t help it, but God do I wish I could.
I just want it all to stop, and I don’t know what to do to help myself. I’ve planned out the notes I would write to everyone if I did it. I don’t want to devastate everyone, but I just feel like it would be better. Things would be better. I want it to stop I want it to stop I want it all to stop.
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3 comments
Yes yes same here.
Hi aly_mo, it’s funny you mentioned the 2 things I find myself wishing for: for the world to stop so I can catch up, and for me to stop (sleep) so the world can go where it will. Did you happen to notice that these are 2 complete opposites? One is for the world to sleep, and the other is to go to sleep yourself. I’ve been trying to make sense of it for a lifetime, but I can’t. It’s just nice to see someone else with the same thoughts. If you ever make any sense of it, please share the secret.
I know the feeling. You are not alone. You are not crazy. Sometimes the only way to get through it is to go to sleep to avoid doing something stupid. Something the only way to get through it is just to keep breathing until you get through the moment. I’ve stopped trying to make sense of it. I’m too tired to fight it. It’s part of us.