Torn apart, picking up the pieces that fall shortly after.

Hi, I don’t really know what to say, I feel like I’m going insane and more suicidal every day, No one to talk to, No one to lean on for help… It is now summer after finishing my exams which went horrible. My parents said if I failed them I would have my phone taken from me. I tried my best I really did, During the exams I tried my best but felt so anxious and paranoid during sitting the exams and when I went out for a break for lunch I would feel much happier, no one staring at me no more twitching due to stress and anxiety (happens after 10 mins of sitting still.) So anyways when I come back inside for the remainder of the tests I feel worse knowing everything is back to the same torturing way, me not being able to sit still and having no focus on my tests due to the anxiety and twitching and racing thoughts. They have finished last month, But I’ve been haunted on my results and consequences ever since. That’s only one reason on why I feel like committing suicide.  I fear hell, I fear it alot. So I’m more or less stuck in the middle with my everday life pushing me back and forth.

So here I am, all alone in my room where i spend most of my boring days looking for ways to entertain myself. I mostly play video games and watch movies. I don’t socialize with friends as I have few and they live quite a bit away. I have internet friends that are nice to talk to. I always get reply’s from people in real life saying how they cant understand me. So I feel sad by that as I think I’m the only one who truly understands myself even when texting.

I dont know what illness i have, I just feel like I create them then actually having them and can switch them off, but when I get sad or angry they come back, worse each time. It has been this way for a year and a half.I am stuck on what to do. I feel like I’m trapped by other peoples judgement on me. Yes I’m very paranoid but It is true. I lack emotion as I feel the same way mostly all the time sad and paranoid. I no longer like sports and am useless at them due to me being sad and not having motivation at all for school or regular activities. I am skinny which is weird because I do absolutely no exercise at all and eat recklessly. I got made fun of and bullied nearly every second day in school because people just have a weird outlook on me and think they know me so I just try blend in with others. So much for that. I’m going to end this now thanks for reading this far. I would be willing to talk to others feeling this way or have already, Much respect ~M00n