Well, another story

I’ve been wanting to die for quite a while now, and It’s not that I’ve lost all my friends, or that I have some illness, traumas or whatever. And that makes me sad. Sad because I want life to never have started, but I have no real reason to want that.
Well, I hate the options of future I have right now. I’m enrolling on engineering, but have disliked it since the first half. I like music quite a lot, and have tried a few instruments, but I came to realise that I don’t have the time to master any instrument and make a living out of it, and also came to realise that I don’t have the talent. And that really annoyed me. the only thing I cherished in life didn’t cherish me.
That being said, I don’t see myself living through a routine on any profession. And recently every single thing there is to do just seems like a enourmous pain in the *ss. getting up early, eating right, socializing is the worst, trying to fake joy in existing, crist. All my energy goes away on the most basic stuff. I just wish I didn’t need to do anything. not eat, not see, not feel. i just wish NOTHING.
still virgin, never dated for more than 3 weeks. middle-class.
My ideal form of suicide was CO poisoning, but it seems to be difficult to obtain. Then I thought of jumping from somewhere high. a hotel. maybe call a prostitute, write a long goodbye letter explaining why i did what i did and jump.
but that would bring too many bad feelings. That’s why I wanted a clean way, so they see my body peaceful, at rest, how I wish to be.
I have tried treatment with a psycologist, but to no avail. I realised I don’t change, I’m the same person I was 5 years ago. the same insecurities, the same abuses, the same whining and the same wish to die.
Having a baby to me seems like such a selfish attitude. what do parents think? ‘let’s forcefully introduce someone into this world and let it go through tons of suffering only to reap tiny amounts of joy, and through laws, religion and morals forbid it from quitting this enourmously shitty state?’ “SURE, WHY THE HEAVENS NOT?”
I hate the way I deal with my responsibilites, and I tried hard to change that, but I just couldn’t. The way I always postpone, procrastinate, and here I am doing it again. Its’s 2am and I have class in 5 hours.
None of my friends even suspect that I want out. I just wish I had no one to leave, or maybe I’m just making up excuses for not doing it.
either way, I can’t see why people desire to live. It all just seems boring. To work at something, to have a sexual partner, weekly meetings with friends, monthly dinners, annual parties, waking up, taking eternal showers, eternal breakfests.
well, thak you for your time, srry for the bad english. random12 out