What is going on?

Whenever I get depressed or really upset, I get the shakes, and involuntarily rock back and forth, the itches start, and I suddenly need to fidget. These don’t always happen together. Different emotions trigger different things. When I cry, sometimes my brain feels like it completely shuts down and I don’t even think I’m breathing anymore, though that’s impossible. All I know is there is a wall in front of me, and I finally know what it’s like to not feel. I want to cry for days sometimes, but I apologize when I do cry, even if no one is around to witness it. I apologize to the wall, my tear soaked pillow, and my cat, even if she doesn’t care. I fight so hard for everything I have, and yet it’s still just out of reach. When I get into an argument with certain people, I feel like an iron fence that someone just smacked, reverberating with a harsh numbness. I want it to go away. Sometimes I think I hear voices, or at least my own, but I know it’s not who I am. I like to pretend that there is someone, a friend, or lover who knows what’s best for me and I can talk to, but maybe I’m just crazy. No one ever really cares.