Who Will Fuck me over Next?

Do you ever get the feeling that everyone is fucking with you?

You don’t know who to trust, or who to believe.

It’s even harder when you’re paranoid to begin with.

What are you supposed to do when everyone you’ve ever

known has ended up screwing you over?

I can only think of one person in my life who has never let me down.

That person would be my father.

But then again, when push comes to shove,

he always rises to the defense of my psychotic mother over me.

He says that it’s the way it has to be.

If mental illness really is a genetic thing,

then I got it from my mother

and I passed it to my son.

So what are you supposed to do?

I’ve been in treatment most of my life.

The medications help a little but have all kinds of side effects.

Some of the counseling helps, most of it does not.

The underlying problems remain,

and some things just cannot be fixed.

I want to run away from all of this,

but there is no place to hide.

I wish I would just cease to exist.

So many people on this site want to end their lives,

to be out of their misery.

Some WILL kill themselves, but most probably will not.

I have tried to end my life.

Nearly succeeded, but was resuscitated at the last minute.

Have not seriously tried again since then,

and doubt that I ever will.

But oh, how I wish I could go through with it!

So why do so many of us live day after day in misery?

Unable to take our lives?

I DON’T KNOW!

That’s it, there really is no explanation for it.

So, we come to this site and look for company in our misery.

Does it help?

Maybe, a little.

But then again, I want more.

I want to connect with a real live living person,

not some made up persona.

How do I know who’s real on this site and who’s not?

I guess the answer is that I don’t,

and try to trust that they are who they say hey are.

And hopefully I won’t get screwed over yet again!

Am I the only person who ever feels this way?