Today is Father’s Day and here I am in solitude because I’m such a failure as a father. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety over a year ago and I’ve been struggling with it for a long time. I had it managed until recently when my medication ran out and with no health insurance, I’ve fallen back.
Today’s supposed to be a celebration of one’s father and a celebration of me being a father…but depression reared its ugly head and I yelled at my son and in turn everyone has turned their backs on me. I’ve laid here for hours thinking about the butcher knife in the kitchen and using it to slit my wrists and throat or the bottle of Benadryl sitting on my dresser that I want to swallow whole or taking my bed sheets and making a noose and hanging myself in the laundry room…no one would care…no one would notice.
I’m sure people will be like “but what about your son? He needs his father!” What he needs is someone who isn’t a complete failure. He’ll be better off without me being this way…I’d much rather just kill myself now than for him to hate me when he gets older.
I didn’t get a single Father’s Day gift or card…so I’m sure no one will give a fuck if I just go ahead and take myself out and rid them of the burden that is me…I don’t even care about pain because I intend to do it right the first time…
Goodbye….
3 comments
I’m sorry to hear you didn’t get a Happy Fathers day card.
Well if you yelled at your son or have come down upon anybody while you were in
your depression. My suggestion is to apologize and change.
Your past does NOT have to be your future.
You have to learn to forgive yourself for past mistakes an KNOW that if you change
and ask people to give you another start they will.
Start fresh right now.
forgive yourself and forgive anybody ho hurt you
an then start by being good to everybody.
people will forgive you you forgive others and people
will love the new you that i committed to being good to people
you are not a failure.
You just made some mistakes like the rest of us have done
we all have made mistakes
but you can bounce back from this and come out a better person
Don’t leave please, I may not know you but let me get you something, my dad says he doesn’t want anything from a piece of shit son.
Is love from a child made up of paper and plastic? Or watches and ties? Or a wallet that you’ll never use? No. The love of a child is immeasurable. They may not show it as often as you would like, but it’s there. Have you abused him? Have you intentionally hurt him? If not, great. You’re doing better than most these days. Have you tried your hardest to guide him and teach him right from wrong? Even if you have limited time with him? If so, magnificent. Damn good father. Have you tried to make sure that he has everything he needs regardless of his current location? Food? Shelter? Warmth? DING DING DING. We have a winner. Best daddy in the world.
If none of the above apply to you, stop reading now.
Depression is a *****. Especially if you don’t have anyone there to support you. But pull through it. It isn’t about how much he needs you. It’s about how much you need him. You’ve got sme good memories ahead of you. You’ve also got a few “I hate you” and “go aways” coming your way. But in the middle of all that, you’ll find a friend in that child. Not someone who can carry your burdens. Not someone that you can share these thoughs with. But someone who you can truly love.