It’s been three years since I put up my first post on this site. Now being 21 years old. If I could go back in time and talk to myself in the past and tell her how the future is now I’d tell her just these few things.
You will fall in love with your prince charming. The perfect boyfriend. And you will have the best time of your life. Then have your heart broken, never seeing him again because you just weren’t good enough. But you will meet someone else. And you two will live together in harmony with a black cat who loves you dearly. And you will get a few jobs along the way and meet new, incredible people. Then you will meet awful ones.. The ones who make working a living hell. But you will find a better opportunity! And you will hope for the best.
Another thing, nothing else changes. You will fall slowly away from your family. Miss birthdays. Miss the celebrations. Lose relationships. Lose your one and only best friend. Lose your own mother. Lose your health. Dignity and beauty. Lose hope for everything you wished would change. You will continue, no matter what, to have those suicidal thoughts follow you for years to come. You will always be the coward that you are. You will never succeed because you fail to believe so. You will never be able to convince yourself not to think about it. You always convince yourself to commit the act, but you never will. You will drown in your own pool of negativity. And you will never see what you have always wanted to see because your lazy ass won’t get up and see the world. You will never be able to see the cherry trees blossom, or see the sunset from the Grand Canyon. You will never be able to travel abroad, or see the great wonders of the world. You will sit at home and do the same shit over and over. Wake up. Sit. Eat. Cry. Work. Sleep. And repeat.
Nothing has changed in my mind. I am still stuck in that black hole, hoping that one day I will just dive into it and never see the light of day again. I am a coward. I’m already dead with the way I’ve been living my life. I never knew what to do and I still don’t. I just want things to change, but that is the thing I am most afraid of! I can’t be helped. I’m in circles. I have to close my eyes and hope I never open again.