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by deerdezz

It feels like nothings really changed. Get hyped over things that peak my interest express nothing towards everything else. It gets easier to talk about my problems or health issues and to have analytical jam sessions with doctors, determining what kind of mental issue ive got. Im so open to the not so pretty and just addressing the existence of things like depression or anger-fueled violence that it deters others from really talking to me….but as the time goes by its bothering me less and less. I care less and less. Its kinda good but at times i worry if that mentality will manifest into something that could harm others.

For myself i dont care, i might be losing a few toes my backs gone to shit and my lupus has been causing some major pain. But i dont really do anything about it because if its just me then its alright. Its when it comes to others that i worry just a bit. Ive been having more hallucinations and paranoid feelings lately and at times i feel like causing damage to others, just for the sake of doing it. Unprovoked. So it worries me. My doctor is really convinced im somewhere between severe bi-polar disoder and schizophrenia, could be right but we just dont know for sure yet. In the meantime ive taken up cutting again because it helps. Makes me focus on just myself especially if im feeling hostile. I got a new pack of pen tips and found that the majority of them are on the thinner side. They make sharper lines, cleaner too. I havent really gone too deep so far just enough to break skin and have blood bead along the edges. I thought i might be a bit more nervous picking it up after a long time now but the first cut was easy and super relieving. It made my panic attack stop so im glad for that.

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