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by omthompson

I have been suicidal for as long as I remember. I’ve had 2 suicide attempts…both with pill,s both failures. I’m always in pain. I’m always sick. I hate myself. I can’t keep a job. I have no friends….

But I was doing better. I’ve been seeing a therapist for almost a year now. I’ve had my current job for almost a year. I wasn’t happy, but I was close. Until July 4th. My Grandma passed away. We all knew it was coming. She was ready. She’d had Alzheimer’s for so long. I was close to her as a little girl. I spent my childhood at her house helping her garden, going Christmas shopping, watching Lifetime movies….

I can’t sleep. I don’t cry. I have constant headaches. Constant anxiety. I’m angry at everyone. Now what? Another attempt? Maybe. I’m lost.

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4 comments

-M- 7/20/2015 - 1:02 am

I may not know what it is like to go through your exact situation, but another attempt is not the answer. You said you felt lost, then go out and find yourself again. Go and do the things on your bucket list that you thought you would never do, talk to complete strangers, and have fun. Prove the world wrong and show it that it can’t bring you down every time.

Mf 7/20/2015 - 1:53 am

I’m sorry about your loss, but like -M- commented i don’t think another attempt will help. If you already have a frail state of health it might only make you end up worse (i’m sick all the time as well, and my attempts didn’t make things any easier). If you were getting a bit better with your therapist you might try sticking to that, it’s natural that you feel the way you do since july 4th was just a couple of weeks away. Even if it sounds really difficult try giving it a bit of time before you do something out of impulse.

It might not help, but i’d do something about the not sleeping part, since that one influences a lot of the others (headaches, anger, anxiety). Maybe talk to your therapist to get something that helps you sleep until you can do it on your own, that’s the only way i can sleep a bit nowadays and it does help. I hope things get better for you.

cl0udydays 7/20/2015 - 2:02 am

It’ll get better. I know people tell us that way too much and that saying has lost it’s meaning, you know? It’s all in your hands.. Wether you Live or Die, it’s all you. You make that choice.

vedura 7/20/2015 - 3:54 am

Your grandmother would want the best for you. Perhaps honor her by fighting and living. I agree with Mf. A good night’s sleep helps so much in conquering the next day.

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