A beautiful life

The most beautiful thing happened when i logged in to write here. The check-mark on the login page said, ‘remember me’. What a wonderful thought indeed, made me smile. I don’t know why i chose to write here, why go through the process of registering and then confirming, checking email for new password and writing now. But anyways am here, let’s make the most of it..

Today is one of my darkest days. Three months back if anyone would have spoken of ending their lives I would have dissuaded them fervently. But bearing the same suicidal thought tonight, I somehow feel at ease with myself. Life must end. I have had good years in life and it is best to preserve those few good years and quit than to slog on hoping for things to change.

I have had a good family. Good parents, a younger brother. I recently got married as well, 6 months back to be be precise. But that didnt work out. My family is good, we talk once a few months now, I am there when they need me – i try to do best as a good son (i certainly hope i did). But when things fall apart around me, as they are now I find no-one. I am smiling as i realize the irony that truly there is noone with me. I would never have guessed this position.

I could tell you my life story, complaint, ruminate about the good times, but whats the point?  In the end its me who has to act upon and i have taken my decision. I just hope, amidst this sadness tonight I don’t fall asleep. I want to take the time through the night and commit. My mind is completely messed up right now, as you may have gathered by my meandering nonsensical digressive talks. I frankly don’t know what to say.  For the last 7 years, I have died slowly, ever so slowly every day. And if i can vividly put how I feel, I would say – i feel as if am on fire, burning..burning inside slowly, the stench of my rotting self, with each and every bad events in life. And, it is this continuous incremental death i feel now within, that has made me come to a conclusion that I must end this cycle.

I am in my room, lying down in my bed with my laptop, the broken down keyboard, my inhaler, my mobile phones, the empty dried out coffee mug, the bunch of self help books in a stack, the crumbled up wires laying down  on the floor , a couple of cigarette boxes, my two watches (one of my which was given by my wife and other by my mother), the empty tissue box – this has been my room my haven for the last 3 months. I question myself how i ended up here. As a kid, I used to be so happy. I was a good achiever, grades and sports. Even through college. My family was so close, till about I was 15 yrs old, and then I left home. I married the love of my life, I was happy. My only qualm is there is just no-one now. I sacrificed so much for everyone. I remember when my mom had to be operated back in 2004, dad wasn’t around. I stood by in the hospital for 15 days, not leaving sight of my mom for once. I was so afraid I might lose her. I remember how many times i prayed. Or numerous times when my dad has been in trouble. Trouble with the authorities, bad debt. One of the toughest things for me was arrange money for my dad’s bail. I was 18 then, I had to arrange for the lawyer, arrange the money, appear in court, meet him every other day in jail, take care of my younger brother, my mom. Our family was crumbling. I remember vividly how I had to run about on my rickety old bike everyday, with the rains pouring down. Those 4 months were the worst. I had to quit my college. Or recently two years back when dad was in hospital, i remember staying in the room, with me sleeping on the sofa for 8 days without a break. And then there was the girl of my life. I loved her with so much passion. Cared for her like a kid, every pain every need she had. I remember how she struggled with depression herself, she would cry and get angry, but i would hug her and everything was good again. Or that moment, when she struggled with her undergraduate thesis, and we worked together. Sadly, she never understood my love. I wish she did. I wish Everybody did. We are now strangers, she hates me and we will be divorcing. I had been trying my best, but even the strongest of us must fall. And today is that day, where I feel completely broken, literally. There is not a single piece of me that i can pick up and glue back together, i don’t want too. Its been a good life, a few good years, the lovely evening sun, the full moon light coming down through my bedroom window when i was a kid. There are these vivid memories, snapshot that you want to remember, and hold close to the chest. I recall birthdays as a kid or the day when my dad hugged me and told me how proud he was when I came first in my National exams, or the first time I hugged my wife. I feel sorry for my mom, probably she will be the one who would be saddest when i am gone. But i am counting on my younger brother who will be able to take care of her. I wish happiness for all, I am happy that my life has reached its finality. I don’t want to end it in regret, I wish things were better. Thank you for reading this. I rest in content tonight. Someday, some other place in better times, a different me and the same you — we will laugh together over a cup of coffee or the pub. Cheers.