I’ve been struggling with depression since I was 17 (I’m almost 21). There’s been early onset symptoms but I didn’t have a concept of depression until about 16. My grandparents all died really early. I’m the only child raised by my mom alone. While I care about her deeply in my own ways, she’s been verbally (and sometimes physical) abusive since I was 6 years old. She and I have very different temperament. When under stress, she blows up and goes ballistic. As for me, I just freeze up completely, and it would feel like my body’s constricted to the point that I can’t take in oxygen. The biggest problem of mine has always been not being able to connect with human beings on a general level. In social situations, I show interest in people and ask them questions to get to know them, but it doesn’t ever seem to be reciprocated for me. I have gone through life feeling like some kind of animal/creature whose species is completely extinct and there’s only me left of my kind. Sometimes, the alienation that I feel suddenly becomes so overwhelming that it would make me physically weak. The feeling would come in waves, like panic attacks.
I don’t really fight with people (arguing and yelling etc) but when I do make friends, they always vanish. Mom won’t understand this concept, but I identify as nonbinary gender (meaning you don’t feel you fit in either one end or the other of the female-male spectrum). My girlfriend of half year just disappeared on me two weeks ago without a word of explanation. I literally cannot get a word out of her. She’s been just amazing to me, and for the first time, I felt like I had support, that I had a safe place to go to. Since she “broke up” with me, I have been sick to my stomach and cannot eat. I am convinced this is caused by some universal force working against me, because I don’t think I did anything wrong, and she would never purposely hurt me. I just felt that this really drew the line, and I cannot stop obsessing over the idea that my existence isn’t meant to be. I like myself and I know I have good qualities, but I feel that life’s pain far surpasses the amount of joy. This is simply too much.