Alternate Universes

Sometimes I wonder if there really is an alternate universe, or another life, or a life in a life. And whatever might happen when you’re dead and your feet are no longer touching the ground.

What do you feel after you die? What do you see? Is everything pitch black, you with no thoughts whatsoever, you literally just gone? Are you really going to be up there, with a God who just so promised to have plans for you? Plans for your life? Or is there another life, where, once you’re dead, you live again. Live another life. Reborn. Forget your past life and just move forward. Start new.

Sometimes I wonder if a new-born baby, a toddler, or a five-year old child just strolling by the streets of Manila could have been someone I knew in the past.  Someone I met, who died sometime.

I think that’s what comforts me the most when thinking of death itself. To start fresh. To start new. To be a completely different person, maybe with a better life compared to what you have now, and to be given a second chance, you know? I’d love that.

I read what a few people wrote on my previous post, which definitely was comforting, and everything you said made me think. And those thoughts led to this.

Though again, I’m still contemplating. There’s still a band out there who saved me in more ways than possible, and I’m learning to enjoy what I have at the moment, even if there’s something twisted in my family and group of friends outside the internet.

I still have my internet friends, the people who support the same people I do, and although we’re barely in contact after what my parents have taken from me, we definitely are still in contact, and I’m thankful for every single second spent talking to them, whether it’s about this band or not. They don’t know about what I’ve been going through and I’d like to keep it that way. I feel loved when I’m with them since they don’t judge me at all for whatever I’ve been through, and I guess that’s all I really wanted, you know? To feel loved, since knowing you’re loved doesn’t move the same extent.

And these boys in One Direction? I feel loved. After everything they’ve done for me.

And from my last post–I get that I can still listen to them. Even when they’re gone. Listen to them when I’m upset or angry or just flat out happy. Because I do listen to them. That’s all I’ve been doing at the moment. But it doesn’t move past the comfort of just knowing they’re still doing it, their dream of making music, of entertaining crowds and crowds of people.

This is why the alternate universe thoughts make me feel safer.
I’d rather just die-with no thoughts, everything pitch black. Or with a God, looking down at them, letting them live their dreams, and watching them fade away without feeling just a void of emptiness, of sadness. Or in a new life, where I’m born again, as a child, with thoughts running freely and a wide imagination. Where I don’t care so much about the little things. And I wouldn’t even know what a ‘One Direction’ would be, and would have no interest in them or whatever drama, happiness or sadness revolved around them.

I’d rather die knowing that the actual people who make me feel loved won’t even know I was gone. The boys still wouldn’t know I existed, my friends would think I’m just MIA. My family, I know they could care less. My circle of friends outside the internet would move on. I’ll be okay, won’t I? I don’t know.

Eliza.