At least that way my death could be a little more interesting than, “He got back from visiting family all Summer and promptly shot himself in the head.”
All I’ve got to do is make it ’til the end of August, then I’ll be back in CA with my crossbow and I can just hike into the woods and be done.
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Well if visiting your family all summer is anything like visiting MY family all summer, a shot in the head is an absolute requirement.
Hang in there man. Summer is always the toughest season for me. But fall is awesome. Dunno if you get trees changing colors out there in CA but you can always take a drive up the coast and see life forms changing into glorious things. If they can do it, we can.
I don’t know, this is the worst I’ve felt during the summer before my birthday, and that’s including when I was in basic (got kicked before I finished due to PTSD, depression, and panic attacks intense enough that they were considered seizures). My birthday is at the end of July and on that day until the second of January, things just get worse every day. I really don’t know how I’ll survive before I leave Maine, since I’ll be here for more than two weeks after my birthday.
I don’t think I can change though, at least not for the better. I was contemplating suicide when I was six, I tried shooting myself on my twelfth birthday, and tried hanging myself a few months after. I’m twenty one years old now and I haven’t had a day of my life that I can remember that I didn’t just want to be done.
Here’s something to make you laugh, after my attempt in 2012, one of my sisters is now convinced that the reason I want to die is that I’m too scared to come out of the closet. apparently my lack of luck with girls combined with depression means I’m gay…I love when happy people try to figure what’s wrong with us, their conclusions are always hilarious.
Hahaha oh that’s rich! Yeah ya gotta love the way they explain our entire lives in one sentence like that. I give her bonus points for originality, though. Never heard that one before.
Or as you’ve often said, you gotta see the dark humor in all of this. Just get the Coen brothers to direct, and the tragedy of life is a comedic masterpiece.
That’s insane about the yearly cycle you experience. I’m seasonal too, but not nearly as defined (or intense) as what you described. Have you ever tried to pinpoint why the last half of the year is so brutal? Is it climate related (as my difficulty with summer is), or is there a traumatic memory associated with that time period, or as hokey as it sounds could it be astrological?
I know there are certain star charts that are predisposed to suicide. If you buy into that, it’s not too much of a leap to think there are certain times when that suicidal predisposition would be peaking.
Well, again, not that any of this crap can be explained away in 1 sentence, much less fixed. But surely there’s gotta be something a little deeper than your sister’s theory haha
I try to keep an open mind about anything until I find evidence proving it wrong, so as skeptical as I am about anything related to astrological beliefs, I won’t write them off entirely until I can find a good enough reason to.
And I think my birthday is rough since I’ve never wanted it, possibly combined with the fact that as a kid, the was the worst day out of the year that my dad would treat me…he was an abusive asshole…anyway, when I was in highschool, the closest thing I had to a father growing up (he was a family friend and the nicest person I’ve ever met) killed himself, and it just happened to be right after my birthday.
As for January 2nd being where it stops declining, I think it’s because the hardest day of the year for me is New Year’s Day, since it signifies another year Darren (closest thing to a dad I had), Galen (my oldest brother), Johnny (a friend of mine), and a few of the people I talked to a few years ago when I discovered this site..sory, got a little lost there, but it represents all of the people I knew and cared about that won’t live to see another year. I think that could be another reason I hate my birthday, since it’s another year older I’ve gotten while they will never get any older.
And the star charts thing sounds pretty interesting, even if it turns out to be just a coincidence, it’s a pretty interesting one. I’m a Leo, if that means anything regarding suicide or depression.
Wow yeah sounds like a combination of a lot of things, but bad memories & associations seem to be driving it.
I once heard that traumatic memories can be reprogrammed by tricking yourself to associate them with good things. So for example, if you have a bad association with your birthday, then this year you need to have a killer party with awesome people & fun times & such. Then you have to repeat it next year, and every year until bam your mind is now reprogrammed to feel good about your birthday …probably by the time you’re 65 lol.
But the logic makes sense doesn’t it? If something caused these bad associations, then theoretically something can overwrite them with good ones. The problem is, in all the articles I’ve read about this technique, everyone says you can’t do it by yourself. Just like the bad experiences that damaged you, the good experiences have to come from an outside source.
Aaaand I guess that’s where we’re all screwed because who’s gonna waste their time reprogramming us. But it was a good idea.
About the astrology thing, I think I posted this here a while back, but here’s an article I found about depression, suicide & charts.
http://ecotoneastrology.com/water-signs-depression-suicide/
It’s not as straightforward as “all Leos will commit suicide” haha, but it points out that many famous suicides were people who had planets in the water signs (Pisces, Cancer, Scorpio) when they were born. Examples: Robin Williams had 4 planets in water, and Kurt Cobain had a whopping 8 planets in water.
And here’s how you get your chart & figure out how many of your planets are in water signs:
http://alabe.com/freechart/
I’m not sure if I believe any of it, but like you, I tend to entertain all possibilities until it’s proven wrong. And in general I like thinking about stars & space because it helps me forget the crap that’s going on here on the ground 😛
I’m in, pray tell, how do you roulette a crossbow?