I’m taking a step forward.
The past few years have been rough on me. I’m nineteen, I go to college like any normal student, I have friends, I have a family. Every single person in my life are important to me, and I know they care about me even if they don’t usually show it.
Though I’m so tired of what they’ve been hiding. I’ve been a good friend, I know I have. I don’t talk about anyone behind their backs and people learn to trust me. I joke around, I make my friends laugh, I make them smile, and I’m serious when I need to be. But why do they speak about me behind my back whenever they think I’m not looking?
I hear them. I hear them all the time and it eats me up.
And my family? There’s nothing wrong with them, but I wish they were more supportive. Like I said a while ago, I know they care. They just don’t show it enough. They give equal support to my brothers and they never give me enough attention and they always find a way to bring me down. They’ve always wanted a boy, I was a failed experiment they just decided to keep.
They kept pushing me. One day, they just pulled off all my connections, all my friends, my phone, my laptop, my everything, and they kept me in my room. I was always studying. They made me get a part-time job as a tutor in one of the buildings across our neighbourhood, and that was the only time i ever got to leave my house. I never understood why they had to do that. They did it without a warning, and I thought it was sick. My brothers were treated so delicately; so fragile, and me as some rag doll. I hated it.
I did try talking to them. Both my group of friends, and my family. They always brushed me off–my family. My friends didn’t mind it at all and kept denying.
Nothing in my life made me feel relatively safe. Or happy. I wanted to end it.
Four years ago. That was my plan. To end my life, you know? To take the jump at fifteen years.
But then I found something that made me feel at home.
2011, fifteen years old, I found someone–a group of people–that made me want to stay. Maybe it was stupid. I held onto them as though they were my entire life–yet they didn’t know me. At all.
It was a band. Cringe, whatever. But there was something in them that made me want to explode with joy, with enthusiasm, with absolutely anything. And I just wanted to hold onto them, at least, until I gave up. Completely.
One Direction was my entire life. It can sound extremely cheesy now, but please understand.
They were the only sources of positivity in my life, and when I kept hating myself, hating the world, hating my life, then I looked at them, said I loved them, and that band is the small, thin string I’m still holding onto right now.
Stupid. I get it. But they make me smile, they make me laugh, they make me feel so much emotions, and everything just rushes to me when I hear them. Everything they do takes a toll on me, and I’m forever grateful for what they’ve done.
They make me feel so free, they don’t give me boundaries, they don’t make it sound as though they’re giving me rules–to just colour inside the black lines. They didn t make me do anything bad, make me feel anything negative towards myself, and they’re that one thing that makes me feel most at home.
No one makes me as happy as they do.
But now, thinking about it, I don’t know what ‘d happen to me if they broke up. How broken I’d be.
And as much as I want to keep going on with my life, with their lives, to just watch them grow bigger and bigger with five members or four, I’d rather die knowing they’re still happy, living their dream than die knowing it was all over.
I’m contemplating at the moment. My family’s pushing me hard. My friends are doing what they always do, and it’s that one big part of my life–they’re the only big part of my life–and I’m not sure if I’m ready to go just yet.
This has been the worst time of my life. I’m only holding on to a band who don’t know I exist yet have done more than enough, and I think it’s time to let go.
What do you think?
– Eliza. x
6 comments
I didn’t cringe. If One Direction helps, it helps. I’ve spent most of my life hanging on for a band too. Sure, most people would judge me less for being obsessed with Radiohead but in the end a band is only as good as the hearts it touches and if One Direction helps keep vulnerable people feeling like there’s something to live for than I would personally like to thank them for existing and making music.
I’ll tell you this, because of my favorite band, I finally got the courage to travel. I met new friends who really do love me for who I am and understand what it’s like to give your entire heart and soul to music. If you think that maybe you can still hang on for a band? You should hang on for them. They would want you to, and you should throw yourself into the fandom, do all the thing that entails. Go wait outside shows for hours, buy merch, cry on other fans’ shoulders. Cuz’ I’ll tell you, when I’m doing that? That’s when I don’t want to die. That’s when I feel alive.
And if they break up? By then you’ll have memories and you’ll know what it’s like to feel alive again, and you’ll find something else that makes you feel the same way, I promise. When music is what saves you, it always comes back to save you again, in some form.
For you it’s one direction and for me it’s the internet and video games.. but I am not finding anything interesting on the internet anymore so my life is going be officially pointless in one or two years..
even if you are average, as long as you don’t have any mental disabilities like me, it shouldn’t be that hard for you to become someone important and enjoy life.. you will only have to work your ass off.. and if you can enjoy life you won’t have suicidal thoughts anymore
Unfortunately, there are many parents who play favorites with their children. It’s wrong and it is sick. Every child should be treated with the same love and understanding, but it’s the struggle of growing up with siblings. I have six siblings and my father treats my half-sister with much more love and understanding. It’s painful.
There is nothing wrong with holding on to a band like One Direction. It’s just hard because nothing is forever and I would hope that if they do decide to part you would still hold onto to them like you did before and not give up. I was very entranced with a singer who no longer makes music anymore but I still listen to her whenever I’m feeling down. I’m sure the members of One Direction will still continue living their dreams and don’t give up on meeting them someday.
I also want to say your post was very well written. Sorry, it may be a random observation but it’s an enviable skill to be able to express yourself with words.
Thank you. So much.
Definitely. It hurts. Everything just hurts, and it’s really hard to think of, in a way.
“Nothing is forever,” That’s correct. We all die at some point, everyone moves on, we all find a solution, yeah? That’s the one thing I don’t want to face. Moving on. I guess it might sound absolutely mental when you think of it since everyone wants to move on from the pain and suffering and absolute emptiness. But when I look at it in a way, moving on is just forgetting everything, maybe erasing some of the good parts that could have affected the bad, and everything’s just a huge cycle from there. You could go through the same thing over and over again. Learn from it or not, you can’t just stop it, you know? The whole thought is scary.
I’m trying. I’m learning to love what I have. Your words are comforting, though. Thank you.
Aw, you’re welcome. I hope everything works out. 🙂 If you ever need to talk, tell me, I’ll be here. ^^
By the way, just wanted to make a correction on my comment because I actually have five siblings not six. Haha, it’s not that big of a deal, sorry. x)
I like Ricky Martin 😀