Fuck man I’m feeling death take over my soul minute by minute today. Feel so weak. Agh goddamn. I should be past this. I should be this and should be that. I should’ve never been born. This life man – all its been is pain. What a ***** of a life. I wish i knew who or what I was in a past life so i could channel that identity’s strength into this one. Fuck.
share your suicide story
Report Post
Please log in to report posts
25 comments
Kills bro, here’s what I seriously think you were in a past life (if I believe in past lives)… you were some sort of leader. A prince, a military commander, or maybe a teacher or a prophet. You affected many people. But then something bad happened, and you died when you shouldn’t have.
So poof, now you’re kills. You have that same strong desire to connect with people, to lead them out of the darkness, to make a change in this screwed up world. But there’s that weird “bad thing” shadowing you. Maybe you’ve got your own personal devil on your ass. If that’s the case, I help you smoke him out and give him an atomic wedgie. Then all will be good. Simple as that, right??
Haha thank you Salt. Your words always hit me right in the spirit because they’re always so accurate. I felt what you said as soon as I read it. I think so too. I’m just lost as all fuck right now. I gotta channel that commander strength.
He needs more than atomic wedgie. this guy has been on my ass my whole life. One day i’ll kill him cause i’m kills.
My guess is he’s the same asswit who’s been on my case too, so kill him twice for me. I was hoping you knew what I was talking about, and you did. Even commanders fall sometimes. But they right back up before anyone notices 😉
Hey Kills, sorry to hear that the darkness is eating away at you this badly.
You said you can’t help but feel that you should be this or have done that, but really, what right does anyone have to say about what you should do. From someone who’s been reading your posts for a while, I can say that you have done more and overcome more crap than any of those people who have done what you “should” have done.
So stand tall and tell them to screw off because you’re strong man. You can and have faced these demons and have shared with us about them, people who do what they should do? They haven’t. So whatever you were in the past life, though you don’t know who you were, I can’t help but think that the strong fighting spirit is within you one way or another. Even if you can’t see it.
So know that your awesome and feel free to yell for one of us, or throw a pen at us or something if you need someone to remind you of that. =)
Im seriously going to fuckin’ MURDER SOMEONE TONIGHT! FUCK. CANT TAKE THE MOTHERFUCKING PRESSURE ANYMORE!! FUCK I CANT DO THIS. SOMEONE IS GUNA DIE TONIGHT AND THERE ARE SO MANY CANDIDATES. The fuckin rage. im breathing acid. Everything i thought i was is a lie. everything i am is a lie!! What the FUCK! Im so goddamn confused about myself and life and my past and even my future. What direction do I go!? I dont even WANT to keep moving!! Not like this!! FUCK SPIRITUALITY. FUCK GOD. FUCK PAST LIVES. FUCK IT ALL. FUCK THIS MOTHERFUCKING WORLD THATS ONLY FILLED WITH PERVERTED FUCKS. I hate my own gender. Men are fuckin evil cunts. We’re perverted fuck heads who take advantage of the weak. I hate women too for their ability to control and manipulate men and people out of fear. Passive aggressive and domineering bullshit. I hate two faced pricks. People who abuse power and lord it over the defenseless. People who are maimed and martyred simply for wanting to live life to themselves. People always hurting each other. Calling each other names that kill spirits. People hunting each other out of insecurity and jealousy. People violating others who wouldnt let out a peep for fear of more abuse. IM FUCKIN SICK OF IT. IM SICK OF ME MY PAIN. ALL THE HURT N PAIN N MISERY I HOLD INSIDE AND NOBODY KNOWS. ALL THE VOICES IN MY LIFE THAT WONT SHUT UP. THE DEMONS THAT KEEP ME AWAKE AT NIGHT. THE DEMONS THAT CONTROL MY MIND DURIG THE DAY. THE DEMONS HAVE TAKEN OVER O MY GOD.
WHY ME!? IN SO MUCH GODDAMN PAIN every DAY AND MY ENEMIES HAVE NOTHING!? WHY!! MY TORMENTORS AND ABUSERS WAKE UP DAILY WITH A SMILE ON THEIR FACES AND A SMOKE IN THEIR MOUTHS NOT GIVING A FUCK. … fuck. my heart aches to feel nothing AND to feel something. something different. something different than the plastic smile and the fake laughter. Something real and genuine other than the despair. When all i feel is black I wish i truly was a knight that could save me from myself. What a righteous wreck eh??
It sounds like you need a beer. No need to get upset, just drink a few beers instead.
Have you sampled the Fat Tire from our friends at the New Belgium brewing Co.? It’s quite tasty. I recommend you drink at least six. 🙂
*cheers*
you fuckin kiddin me?? I put my heart on the line for people and give them wise words and this is what you got for me?? drink a few beers of which will only numb the pain and intensify all of it in the long run?? get the fuck outta here man. ridiculous
Kills, you’re right in the sense that this world is indeed filled with fucked up assholes who get away scotch free while we suffer. But you know what? They might seem to get away with it all, but it’ll come back to bite them in the ass one way or another. Whether it be in this life or the next.
You shouldn’t have to pretend to be anything for anyone. Not happy, not sad, not angry. Just be you man. Who cares what the others think? Cause quite frankly (no offense) it’s not going to change how you feel whether or not they feel uncomfortable because you’re not chipper and crap. You wanna be angry? Let that show on your face so they avoid you. Everyone has days where they don’t want to deal with it, and you’re no different. Be you.
And know that you make a difference. Even if you can’t tell over the internet, know that your posts have inspired people and that people really want things to get better for you. That many of us on this site really think you’re a brilliant guy who deserves to be happy, and that you have a right to be angry and pissed off with all the in justices around you.
But also remember that among all those allhats, there are the people who really would love to get to know you and be there for you. They might be few and in between, but I guess that’s why the world sucks eh? Kind and amazing people like you have a long and hard road because of the amazing strength you have while the asshats get this cushy little path that they get to walk blindly along.
Anyway, my point is be angry. Break something. Curse at someone. Be yourself and let it out. Don’t hold it all in and think that you gotta be alone.
Hope I made sense, I apologize if I didn’t, I’m sorta out of it right now. But feel free to curse all you want and to wish evils on your enemies. Just remember that you’ve torn down those giants before and you can do it again.
Kills, you’re right in the sense that this world is indeed filled with fucked up assholes who get away scotch free while we suffer. But you know what? They might seem to get away with it all, but it’ll come back to bite them in the ass one way or another. Whether it be in this life or the next.
You shouldn’t have to pretend to be anything for anyone. Not happy, not sad, not angry. Just be you man. Who cares what the others think? Cause quite frankly (no offense) it’s not going to change how you feel whether or not they feel uncomfortable because you’re not chipper and crap. You wanna be angry? Let that show on your face so they avoid you. Everyone has days where they don’t want to deal with it, and you’re no different. Be you.
And know that you make a difference. Even if you can’t tell over the internet, know that your posts have inspired people and that people really want things to get better for you. That many of us on this site really think you’re a brilliant guy who deserves to be happy, and that you have a right to be angry and pissed off with all the in justices around you.
But also remember that among all those allhats, there are the people who really would love to get to know you and be there for you. They might be few and in between, but I guess that’s why the world sucks eh? Kind and amazing people like you have a long and hard road because of the amazing strength you have while the asshats get this cushy little path that they get to walk blindly along.
Anyway, my point is be angry. Break something. Curse at someone. Be yourself and let it out. Don’t hold it all in and think that you gotta be alone.
Hope I made sense, I apologize if I didn’t, I’m sorta out of it right now. But feel free to curse all you want and to wish evils on your enemies. Just remember that you’ve torn down those giants before and you can do it again.
You take yourself too seriously. I could write a post on here and attach a picture with my bowel movement. Should people take me seriOusly because I’m able to squeeze poop [through my cornhOle? No. Try not to get so caught up in your own shit. You care, that’s fine. Does anyone else care? Yeah, random internet strangers care. (Sing me to sleep).
I lost my train of thought.
Gonna smoke. Bye.
Kills man, I dunno if you’ll read this tonight… or if you even want to… but yeah, sometimes it’s all bullshit. I’ve been reading enough of your posts over the years to know (to think) we’re in the same boat. Desperately wanting to believe there’s a point. Desperately wanting to believe ANY of this makes a fricken difference. Or would we be better off devoting our time to making a plague that’ll wipe out the human race?
I dunno the answer, man. I really don’t. If you absolutely gotta kill someone tonight, go for it. I’m sure the ass deserved it.
I don’t know squat. But one thing’s for sure… I want you in my world. On my team. Whatever team that turns out to be.
fuck man. idk ive never been more confused in my life. i look back and memories have been surfacing of MORE intense shit that was done to me behind the scenes. ive never felt more enraged and violated. my identity is in shambles. ive never known who i am. ive never seen a point to all this PAIN. never! im tired of ACTING all the time when all i feel is the depths of despair. i have no heart. nothing left. This knofe i carry is beggijg to be used either on myself or someone else. there are so many that, if they were in front of me right now id slice and dice em. watch em bleed to death for the trauma they caused me my whole life.
Identity in shambles, lemme help with that.
You are the legendary killswitchon. You are powered by a nuclear reactor inside your ribs that could torch a small country. But, so far, it hasn’t.
And that’s because, despite what he thinks of himself at this moment, the guy in charge of the reactor is a pretty sharp dude.
The knife is a game changer. I gotta be honest, when you started carrying it, I had mixed feelings. I don’t want you to use it on the wrong person (yourself). But I know you gotta have some cutlery to defend against the scum of this world.
Another game changer is the sudden appearance of memories. Dude I can’t imagine what that’s like, you’ve already been thru shit, and suddenly it’s like SURPRISE, HERE’S MORE SHIT YOU FORGOT!
If there’s anywhere you can go to be safe tonight, go there, man. Sit on the steps of some abandoned church (that helped me once), or go to a Disney movie and sit with a bunch of little kids to remind you that innocence still exists in the world. Or hell, just keep typing away here until you pass out from exhaustion. You gotta make it thru the next 6 hours or so. Any way you can bro.
@vertrag if you or those other people REally knew me you wouldnt want to get to know me. im a walking contradiction/disaster. a disturbed delinquent. fuckin putrid, vile and disgusting inside. a fuckin monster.
First of all, no one, and I mean NO ONE gets to judge your pain, Kills. Its righteous and valiant! All I can do is try to reassure you that are NOT alone. You are the one and only Killswitchon.
If I were to suss out who/what you were in a previous life, I would say you were a sacred priest of the temple. With your hearts’ eye you saw all the pain we inflict on each other, and by the sheer power of your mind you kept the demons at bay until, from total exhaustion, your flame was extinguished and the Great Spirit called you home.
Then the Great Spirit gave you yet another mission: to take the pain and suffering you saw and held at bay and allow it be infused in you, sparing others a dreadful insanity. But that meant you had to suffer all the more. You would be tried in flame as gold is tried.
While I don’t believe in reincarnation in the sense of coming back as a parasite or Donald Trump (is there a difference?), I do believe our souls/spirits can be used for healing after we pass from this life. Those of us who, for what ever reason, suffer in this way, are the precious, sacred ones.
I think you are the embodiment of the truth that says “You don’t choose a life, you live one.”
Is there a monster inside of you? You are in pain and I don’t get to judge that. But I believe that the sacred center of your heart and mind prove you are NOT a monster, but a soul that is in the process of evolving. And that must be painful in the extreme.
Curl yourself up into a tight, fetus-like ball on your bed and weep, curse, shake and howl at the moon. When that feeling of insanity leaves in a few hours, just know that we have been, and are, protecting you with every weapon we have at hand.
^ bayarea, that was amazing. Kills, listen to the man. What if it’s true that in a past life you agreed to swallow the pain of thousands in order to stop their suffering? Sure, it sounds crazy, but wouldn’t that explain a hell of a lot?
@bayareaguy Your comment is wow. too much to take in. Wow. Its so profound it could very well be true. wow. thank you for seeing this much potential in me if only for an sp comment. In this dark time. Your words shape my reality. Merci.
@Salt and @bayareaguy You guys are fuckin tremendous. Your words mean worlds to me. Universes of relief and i thank you from
my non existent heart. Both of you have said things i will have to ponder on as i fall asleep tonight. Friends happened to come by and we ended up goin to karaoke. I sang, she sang we all sang. it was an okay night. A distraction. It was still shit despite my legendary performance which i say legendary because of my sore throat and horrible head ache and anxiety but yeah, i got to belt out IRIS by the *** *** Dolls. I thought about a special someone as i sang it.
im going to have to reread both your comments because theyre great. Again thank you.
@Morris Dont fuckin talk to
me about taking my life too seriously. When you’ve faced what I’ve faced and battle daily then we can fuckin talk alright?
@my heroes and fellow legends even Morris even though im pissed: love you guys. thanks for the heartfelt responses, minus beer suggestion.
Booze is a coping mechanism for some. It’s true that in the long run repeated usage of alcohol as a way of numbing emotions and escaping reality may not be beneficial, but downing a six pack would be less harmful to your future than killing someone, wouldn’t it… I think Morris was only trying to help with that suggestion. Don’t assume that other people besides yourself aren’t struggling just because they don’t talk about it. Not everyone likes to broadcast their pain, but I’m sure every user on this site has their own reason for being here…
Im not broadcasting my pain. Simply writing a post like everyone else. And just because somebody elses uses alcohol instead of releasing the pain by externalizing it verbally doesn’t mean it’s broadcasting. I think by now Morris knows I’ve gone the alcohol route and to offer me to have a drink when im in the thralls of despair is minimizing the situation. I dont discount anybody elses struggle by saying im struggling. Im just saying if your struggle can be remedied with some booze then it aint at my level. sorry to say thats the truth.
@Salt You always amaze me man. Youre a true leader of the broken hearts my friend. A real fuckin inspiration to me. Dont ever change man. If only to evolve and impossibly get better and cooler. Thanks bro.
You’ve chased off my demons so many times, I’m just glad I could help. I’m floored by the confidence you have in me, bro. Rock on \m/
rock on brother. Its the truth.
Hey Kills and Salt….I’m glad this thread is still active. What an rock and roll ride the three of us have been on over the last couple of weeks. My body is finally approaching a normal sleep pattern again.
The three of us need to write a book! We could call it “Hear no Evil, See no Evil, Speak no Evil: The Journeys of Three Awesome Blind Mice” – or – “To Hell and Back with Three Desperados of the Mind”