There are minimal external factors which constitute my claim that life is indeed a struggle for me, making it hard for other people to comprehend and/or understand the exact nature of my discontent. Most people retain the belief that misery absolutely must be invoked upon an individual due to trauma or tragedy, when the truth rests in our own perceptions all along. It’s the perceptions of those adverse external factors or events that cause the depression in most people, not the events themselves.
Anyone with half a brain knows this. What people don’t know, or at least often don’t recognize, is that a mind can turn against oneself. The most fundamental instinctual drive behind every human – to survive – is suppressed by higher brain function, which is what I believe to be the problem; in fact, it’s why some transorbital lobotomy patients actually improved (due to the damage exerted on their higher functions, their instinctual drives were able to unearth themselves from the depths of their minds). Without this drive, the mind wanders (as it often does) from healthy egocentricism to concentrated individualistic purpose. This purpose, we can never truly identify, which puts people of logic -like me- in a rather unpleasant position.
We cannot prove the existence of an anthropomorphic entity called “God”. In fact, looking at the history of the human race, we have been through and possess a myriad of different religious beliefs and philosophies that have flared up and died out over the decades. There is no reason to believe that humanity is right this time, just as the Mayans thought they were right to tug the beating hearts out of people during religious ceremonies. The Bible has been translated and written by humans, yet many people accept the word of God to be infallible, not realizing that the words which they read were written by humans (who are prone to fallacy). Also, we can’t know what are parables in the Bible and what aren’t, just as we can’t know the exact social and cultural milieu that extend to the wording of the Bible, which may (relative to the time period in which it was written) be attempting to suggest something other than our current and literal translation of it. Blind faith; it’s not something I can live my life by. I’d be happier with it, I’ve tried, but I simply cannot.
So, what does God have to do with this? Purpose. God, or Catholicism and its derivations, provide people with purpose, which is incredibly powerful. People without the belief in a higher power still can lead happy lives, not sinking into an existentialist funk and simply focusing on what’s in front of them. Both faith and ignorance are solutions to the egocentric question behind our purpose; yet I have neither. So no, I do not believe that Dante is correct; however, since I cannot completely discount the notion that his version of Hell may exist (due to the fact that it can’t be proven), I simply have a minute fear that he is.
So, as far as my feelings about my decision to end my life go; I feel conflicted. I want to erase my existence so no pain will be caused to those around me, but I know that isn’t possible. I also know that I can’t stay here solely for other people, or else I’ll go insane. So my options are to either find something to live for, or kill myself. I have a family, and a fiancee, with plenty or aunts and uncles and a small amount of friends. This is why people don’t understand. I have everything, yet I have nothing. I have to fight, struggle, to attain even a flicker of the comfort and happiness that most people experience naturally on a daily basis. This internal conflict is pointless to me; two forces within myself, opposing each other, neutralizing each others functions and efforts as they resist. Basically, the conflict paralyzes me. And I cannot become free without ending the battle.