Follow up – check in…Randall, Salt et all….I’m still here

Here is the link to my recent post:

A very bad week

My head is much calmer now.  Yesterday (Sunday for me) was the culmination of a week of total hell.  I really felt like I was loosing my mind.

Many of you know I am a person of faith and that the propaganda of the fundamentalist tradition I was raised in, often plays havoc with my psyche.  I now worship in a very inclusive and nonjudgmental faith tradition.  As I have asked in the past, please do not disrespect me regarding this.  I would NEVER do that to you.

So what happened yesterday?  First of all, I had to deliver the homily (sermon), which I based on the Rule of St. Benedict and his teachings on perseverance and stability (a Benedictine vow), even when its hard, yet still knowing when it’s time to cut your losses and move on (as opposed to quitting or running away).  I would say that’s a rather unique sermon for someone who is determined to end his own life.  Wouldn’t you?

Somehow I got through it and received accolades from the congregation along with a few requests for copies of the text.  I came home exhausted, and slept from 1pm until 8pm.  When I woke up, I no longer felt the insanity gripping my brain.  I was not crying or weeping as I had been all week long.

So here’s my take:  There is a difference between religion and faith, even if “faith” is practiced with a group of like minded believers.  I am aware, PAINFULLY aware, that “religion” can and does inflict great damage on people.  I’ve been there.

How do I reconcile my desire to die with what my faith teaches?  Well first of all, I am admonished to respect the dignity of all people, and willingly accept this teaching.  I try to do my best to always do this.  I believe my Creator understands that some of us just wear out sooner or under conditions we cannot hope to control.  Therefore, when we reach the point of being able to comprehend and embrace the difference between running away and cutting one’s losses (resulting in choosing to die) there is no judgment or punishment inflicted on the spirit or soul of one who takes their own life.  In any case, I do not believe in hell.

I held both of my parents as they passed from this life to the next.  I remember saying to both of them in their final hours:  It’s OK.  Let go.  You can go now. It’s OK.

When the time comes for me to pass, I can only hope God will be speaking to me, saying those same words.  And God will not care if the method of my passing came at my hands or some other way.  I believe God will be the one saying this to me because there will be no one in my life to say the words.  I’ll just be cutting my loses and moving on.

The loneliness is still here, it’s been a constant companion for decades.  At least we understand each other.  There is not one single day that passes that I do not think of dying/suicide or wishing to be released from this life.

But I can’t go just yet.  I still have that paperwork to finish and file.  Nothing ever changes…….Sigh

But to those of you who were so kind and gentle (Salt, Randall, Whisper and Holden), please know you helped me to breathe through the last few days.