Hey
To be honest I don’t even know what I’m doing here or why. I think I just need to vent and maybe, just maybe, be “understood”. I don’t mean to sound like a childish teenager who no one understands and no one ever would, I just don’t know how else to phrase it.
I used to be really depressed, for 3 years actually, although that is mostly blown over now. Some things though never seem to go away, how I act and behave is still highly influenced by those defining 3 years leading up to my late teens. I get annoyed by people, and push people away, I want to be alone but I still don’t. Another characteristic that stuck with me is that I don’t talk to people just because, if I talk to someone it’s because of a reason and I don’t ask for help or talk about my problems. Really don’t know why, but I never talk to anyone about how I feel and my problems, I just don’t, I can’t. But I feel like I have to ventilate to someone, anyone. Maybe that’s why I’m writing here, I don’t know.
I have friends, quite a few actually, but I have never been more scared of dying alone. I’m scared that I’ll just wither away and be forgotten, I’m scared that I’ll be left behind. I watched an episode of the TV-series Scrubs a few years back and I still remember a quote like it was yesterday “Because nothing sucks more then feeling all alone, no matter how many people are around.” and I can genuinely relate to that. I don’t want to be able to relate to that.
I’d like to think I’m not, I don’t think I am, but maybe I am just another childish teenager. You see, during my depression, in hindsight, I really think I wanted attention. I think I wanted people to think sorry for me, so I could turn them down and feel like I had a single shred of strenght in my body. So either I’m just a random teenager who thinks he’s special and unique in that I am misunderstood, God I hate saying that word, or I really am special and unique and I DO have a real problem. I don’t know which is more terrifying and which I’d prefer, maybe the first one, atleast that way I’d be sure it’s just a phase that will pass and I wont die alone, time will tell.
People that see and meet me for the first time think I’m a really social and outgoing person, they think I’m just the opposite of how I see myself. You see, under the three years I was depressed people outside my family only knew for a short period of time towards, and that was because I told them. No one ever even suspected anything, because I became SO GOOD at pretending. I became so good at pretending to be something I was not, happy, and with that I was a different person. I don’t know who or what, but it wasn’t me. That has come to bite me now, because I don’t know who I am anymore, I don’t know if I’m still wearing that mask and it’s killing me.
When you wear a mask for too long it eventually gets hard to tell the difference, you lose yourself slowly but surely. I don’t know what’s the mask and what’s me. Too often I catch myself lying to people, saying I’m fine, when I feel like I’m drowning.
As if that wasn’t enough I can’t help but feel bad, really bad, because I, who is living a relatively good life with no “real life” problems, feel bad. Yeah, it’s stupid, I know… I feel bad because others feel worse and I’m ashamed of myself for even considering that my problems are relevant. So many people struggle to even be able to live and there I am, living in the richest parts of the world feeling sorry for myself. No matter how much I feel like that though, I still do feel bad and alone.
I tried to kill myself once, but I realize how egoistic that is and wont try again. So I’d much rather just endure the pain in silence without anyone knowing than either have someone try to help and understand the dephts of my despair or end it and die. I’ve come to terms with that the only thing suicide would do is drag down my family with me, and I would never ever want to be the cause of that.
I sympathize really strongly with people and really genuinely don’t want to cause anyone any pain. If anyone suffered from pain, especially if it was for any reason caused by me, I would much rather suffer from twice that pain in silence and just keep smiling outwards. I’d keep pretending everything was fine and would much rather not even have them know.
I don’t know if I feel alone is because I am too scared to really put my neck out there. Maybe I’m so scared of failure I stopped trying, maybe I’m just tired of trying so hard or maybe I really just suck.
After writing this I really feel like a walking cliché, now more than ever, and I hate it. Because maybe all of this is just me being a sissy, weak-willed coward.
If you’ve actually read this far, thank you and I’m sorry for bothering you. Have a really nice day.
10 comments
You weren’t a bother at all. I can relate heavily to your story. I also feel like I am wearing a mask sometimes. For a long time I wasn’t sure if I was the happy, outgoing, optimistic person I presented myself as, or the hopeless, worthless person I felt like inside. I also push people away because I get annoyed with them or upset with them, but in reality I don’t want to be alone. I just want to be understood. I don’t think you are just some “childish teenager.” Even though your circumstances may be great, it doesn’t give anyone the right to judge you for the way you are feeling. Your emotions are valid, and you are worthy of help and support. We can talk if you want. Email me at parkerdave94@yahoo.
I really appreciate you putting yourself out there for me, really do, but I don’t really appreciate communication through channels as such as much as other people, it doesn’t really matter with whom I just really don’t talk that much. I am saying this with as much respect as I can show someone, but I am really bad at talking like that, therefore I find it quite tedious, so I’m afraid I’ll have to decline.
Thank you for being an awesome person though, it feels good to know people understand.
I realize now I misphrased in my text saying I want to talk, I ment it in a more I need to just vent and maybe have someone throw in a comment or two. Sorry for misleading you.
Lots of people can relate to your situation. Venting can be a good thing to do and this is a place to do it. A place you will most likely find more understanding than other places. I think you should live. I really think that deep down you don’t want to die, and that is good; but rather you have a kind of a fear of the future. Well do away with the fear and take things one day at a time. Try to live your life as if the best days of your life are ahead of you and not behind. Thats what I do and it works for me. Keep on keeping on and know you have the power to make things better for yourself.
Do you often find yourself watching how people interact with each other, seeing the little spiteful things they do – gossip, backstabbing, lying, making passive aggressive jabs, etc.. and then, when in a situation where you might have a chance to connect with someone, you shy away because you feel the situation wouldn’t allow you to be authentic with the other person, or that the other person wouldn’t be authentic with you? Pattern recognition is often demonized in this culture. I don’t know why.
I do indeed watch how people interact with eachother and can read situations and people very well and I feel like that to some extent.
You might just be responding to social pressures to conform to a dynamic that you find, in actuality, repellant. You can see who everyone wants you to be, and feel a pressure to conform to that even if it repels you, but who do you want to be? What do you want to see in other people?
Not sure if I’d go as far as saying that, but the norms for socially acceptable behaviour sure are getting thinner. It’s not really a matter of me hating what I am or what I am not, it’s just not knowing which is which anymore that is confounding me.
I admit I feel exactly the same…I’m 27 now, but have dealt with these exact symptoms for the past 10 years at least. I also push people away and feel alone, yet still surrounded by people who think I’m a fun outgoing person, but on the inside I’m nothing more than a self deprecating human very close to suicide. I too don’t want others to suffer at my expense, also a reason for my loneliness. But if all of us here feel this way and hide it so well, who’s to say that these people in our life that think we are so happy, aren’t also suffering in dark silence? Maybe we could help them and find done peace in making them feel better?
The only way I get through it alone is through distraction, and lots of it, movies, hobbies or just going for a drive to shake the thoughts, whatever gets you out of your head, even if It’s for a few minutes. It keeps me from over thinking my existence and trying to psycho analyze myself and breaks my unhealthy thought pattern. I don’t know if I’ll ever feel like a normal person, as I haven’t in my life thus far, but I’m glad that I don’t have to feel totally isolated when I know I’m not the only one that suffers this. Don’t feel like a sissy or you being a coward, it takes a lot of strength to even lay what you wrote out for others to see. I hope it helps you find some peace. Thanks for sharing!
Hey, regarding your feelings on lonliness..
I think to an extent being alone can somewhat be a beautiful thing.
When you start to appreciate the beauty of your thoughts and feelings despite how tough things can be at times.. You will become your own sanctuary, your own best friend.
We are all truly alone.. Each and every one of us.
Its our minds that delude us into thinking we are not.
Try and allow your mind to begin to enjoy your own company.. Appreciate your thoughts, each and every one of them..
After a while when you realise that you are and always will be your own best friend.. good or bad, ups and downs, pain and sorrow; You’ll naturally stop seeking to be around others, and you’ll find that they will gravitate towards you.. And most inportantly whatever journey in life you decide to venture in, whatever decisions you decide to make.. You wont need anyone but you to validate them. You wont even feel bad about leaving this world and being forgotten. You’ll feel bad for the people that never got to know who you truly were.. And missed out on the oppurtunity to get to know how beautiful, crazy and extremely rare someone like you is to find..
It will be their loss, not yours.