I Hate This Feeling

I have always told myself that contradictions can be a good thing and a bad thing all in itself. Good ones teach us how to make good choices in life but the bad ones show us how bad this can really be. But life gets really hard when you are a living, breathing, and bleeding contradiction.
I am a contradiction because I love the warm feeling that life can give me, but i want nothing more than to feel the cold grip of death on my shoulder. I am a contradiction because so many people have told me that I am a gift and bring brightness to so many lives, but there is still that burning feeling that I am a burden and bring a lot of darkness to their lives. I am a contradiction because I do not have the actual courage to go through committing suicide, but every time I cross a road, a want a car to hit me and kill me. I am a contradiction because I wear a fake smile to make people happy when I am dying inside.
I am just another stupid contradiction that has to purpose in life.