Independence Day for me too

Every thump of each fireworks sounds like a million bullets in my head because I know she’s somewhere looking up smiling with him giving him the same look she gave me once. I want these lights to stop so I can finally fall asleep. I wish there was something I can take that didn’t make me selfish. I’m so alone so alone in this wretched mind. It’s normal now the pain.it feels normal now. The constant anxiety the constant panic it all seems so..welcoming. I’m dead to her today. I’m dead to everyone. I’m waiting to see how long until my courage builds up enough to tolerate the pain of suicide.i was afraid of that word but I feel comfortable saying it now. Doesn’t sound so bad now that I see what everyone will be doing if I did commit suicide. Absolutely nothing. Continuing on with their perfect lives. It wasn’t a relationship to me. That wasn’t a gf or a wife . That was my complete other half. U know how I know that .its because every time I did anything for her and saw her smile I would smile too. I think they finally stopped .the fireworks. I wonder if they kissed under the fireworks .i remember we were in my car one 4th of July cause nothing else mattered to us. In a random parking lot while everyone went out.We completed each other. Completely…maybe tonight will be the night I remove this pain and free myself. Independence Day for me too