Its been odd, havent posted in a while since ive been caught up in feelings and thoughts. But now ive hit a wall again and its not even for the usual causes. Normally i would fluctuate between feelings of extreme highs and lows, though lately ive been cruising in the neutral zone.
Ive dropped a lot of expectations and hopes, its made me look at things or losses as unavoidable but necessary. Where it used to cause me grief now i have a sense of understanding why things happened that way. Why people reacted to me and my condition. With that i no longer dwell on it but something still pulls me to the idea of death and suicide for a sense of relief.
Its like i dont belong. Thats how i feel, foreign to the idea and social construct that makes us human. Whether its thewrong body, time/era, or species altogether. It just doesnt feel RIGHT to be existing. I feel like that alone is driving me just a little up the walls than id care to go. It makes me not function properly and i feel the need to correct it. Almost like a sense of responsibility to correct it but the only way to do that is to end it all.
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I feel the same way. It is a nightmare I cant get out of this.
The way everything looks, the way it smells, memories. They are all too much to take.