*From left to right; Xiumin (EXO-M), Luhan (EXO-M), Kris (EXO-M), Suho (EXO-K), Lay (EXO-M), Baekhyun (EXO-K), Chen (EXO-M), Chanyeol (EXO-K & my 2nd bias), D.O. (EXO-K & my 3rd bias), Tao (EXO-M & my bias), Kai (EXO-K) and Sehun (EXO-K & maknae)
*Luhan and Kris left the group last year (2014).
*EXO-K promotes in Korea, while EXO-M promotes in China.
My life has gotten better. I’m not sure if I’m still depressed but I can say I’ve been pretty happy these past few weeks. I’m not gonna lie, though. Too often I find myself thinking about death. I start thinking about how cool it would be to die in my sleep and I can just imagine someone trying to wake me up. And for once, I won’t wake up.
Depression leaves a lot of scars, both physically and emotionally. Sometimes, I stare at my reflection in the mirror and I just start judging all my imperfections and my curves and every little detail about me.
And even though I still do that, I’m not as broken as I was before. I found a group of people that changed my life for the better and helped me put the pieces together.
And this is how I found them:
I started watching a drama about a month ago and it had a boy band in it and ever since I saw them in that show, I fell in love with them. That probably sounds like I’m exaggerating but I’m not.
As soon as I finished the show, I started looking them up and looking up their songs. I started to know more about them. I started to feel their songs. The more I knew about them, the more my feelings grew.
As soon as I started knowing about them, I started having this feeling like we were friends. Like I actually knew them. At night I would be sitting on my bed and I would just stare at the wall and feel excitement because I “knew” them. Because I made “new friends”.
They seem so fucking perfect to me I swear. Every little detail about them is amazing. I didn’t fall in love with them just because of their looks and skills, but also because of their personalities.
They started meaning the world to me. They changed my life for the better.
I always thought fan girls were silly and crazy to be so obsessed about a boy band or celebrity. I always said to myself, “I will never be like that.” And yet here I am.
These guys, they are so fucking perfect. So beautiful and just….amazing. Sometimes I find myself crying to their songs. I never knew what it was like to cry like that because of a song sung beautifully. But it’s not just a song. It’s a beautiful succession of sounds followed by hard work, feelings, and dedication.
I cannot even explain why I feel the way I feel towards them. My feelings are just unexplainable. They are so fucking perfect. They are fucking amazing and so beautiful and so talented.
A lot of times, I find myself listening to their songs and crying about them.
I cry whenever I hear one of them got injured or got sick. I cry when I see people talking crap about and making up rumors like they have nothing better to do.
I worry a lot about them. I want them to be happy.
Actually, I’m really worried right now about 2 of the members. One recently got injured from falling off the stage. The second one (my bias; in Kpop bias means the opposite, which means favorite) has had a lot of injuries the past few months and has been sick and he’s getting rehab for his injuries in L.A. and there are many, many rumors saying he will leave the group.
I want to believe in him sooo much but the signs are so clear.