Me, in its rawest form

Okay so I am brand new here and kinda awkward about it. But I’m going to use this as a place to vent and stuff.
So I am your average teenage girl, with a slightly disfunctional family.
I have never meet my birth father. My (now ex) step father is a pretty alright man. And my mother is a monster, I will get into details about her later.
I have many brothers and sisters, but only few whom I have actually meet, and only 1 that I have grown up with. My older brother (by 9 years) hes.. well I dont know, he doesnt exactly fit into my life. He was basically never around when I was a child, always out smoking pot but I don’t blame him. Sure he used to bully and insult me but I have forgiven him and even though hes a dickhead, I will always love him. (Weird bro sis relationship right?)
Anyway back to my pathetic (and long) story.
I spent most of my childhood with my grandma, who is very mentally ill. She used to have giant parties with many older men.
They smoked and drinked all night long whilst I (6 years old) listened. These parties never stopped.
The looks the men gave me always made me uncomfortable so i would always run away to the neighbour’s house, whose daughter was a few years older than me.
I got to know that daughter. We became friends. She became a safety net of some kind. She sexually abused me at the age of 6/7.
Skip ahead a few years and my mother and step father get a divorce. My step father packs his bags and leaves to another country without one goodbye.
The only ones in the house were basically me and my mother, as my brother was never home.
She started bringing different men home every night, but I never questioned it. Not even when my 8 year olded eyes accidently watched her have sex with one of the strangers.
A few months later and she packed my bags and sent me off to live with my step father in the country he moved too (Australia).
I started school in australia. I became rebelious, as my step father was never around and I was basically alone in the apartment. I stole money from him, lied to him and basically shut him out.
I made two friends at the new school, both female. Both sexually assulted me.
My mother and brother moved over here later.
I changed schools. I begain to skip school often and stole money more frequently.
(2012) I was badly bullied, got into fights, and became shunded by many students. I had one of my closest friends break my trust. The rumors hit hard. I begain to cut, I smoked and I stopped caring.
I meet somone incredible. She turned my life around. I stopped smoking, stopped cutting.
(2014) At the end of the year I cracked. Things got bad at home. My mother was too hard to live with. High school was too much stress. I cut again. I lied again. I Stole again. I was alone over christmas. I had my first failed sucide attempt. I never felt welcomed to this world.
(2015) I became friends with a guy. I begain to trust him. He (without me noticing it) begain to manipulate me. He had sex with me without clear consent. I had my second failed sucide attempt.
Things got so bad it was starting to affect my job, grades and friendships. I had a breakdown to the girl I mentioned earlier, the girl who turned my life around.
She sent me to my high schools councilor.
I spilled everything. And to this day I regret I did. The councilor told my mother everything, she forced me to show my mother the cuts on my thighs.
My mother yelled at me contiously.
I was forced into councilling, which I have refused to show up to for 2 months. It doesnt help. It just makes me fell shit. It gives me anxiety.
I had a breakdown to my boss a few weeks ago. She asked if things at home where okay, if I was okay.
And I lost it. I cried to her for hours. She shedualed me to see another therapist but Im really not excitied for it. Whenever I go to work, she gives me glances of pity and I hate it.
So here I am at 10pm, blurting out my life story on some random website while deciding if I should starve myself tomorrow.
But I’m still smiling, I hate myself, I hate body, but I can still smile and laugh.
I’m still grateful for having a roof over my head. I’m grateful for that one friend that knows whats happening to me.
But I’m just never sure how much I can take before I have a third attempt.