So, long time no see… My last post was in April. I don’t really know why I never made another post. I guess I just didn’t want to talk about my problems anymore than I have to. But, over the past few months i’ve learned that talking about your problems is the best way to solve them. For months and months I assumed that if I didn’t talk about my problems and ignore them they would go away. Unfortunatley, thats’s not the case. So here I am about to talk about my problems (even though I really don’t want to). For 9 months I was severly depressed. It started last August when I went to a new school. I’ve always been quite a sad person generally. I have an alcoholic father who makes me question my exsistance every single day. It usually wouldn’t bother me too much throughout middle school because I didn’t really understand what alcoholism was or how normal fathers act.But as I grew older I started to realize what my friends families would be like. The parents wouldn’t constantly argue and yell at each other. The dad wouldn’t piss his pants and fall all over the place or tell his daughter that she’s chubby and make mean comments to her all the time. The more I would think about how unnormal my dad was the more depressed I would get. Last fall was when I was at my crashing point though. My dad got a DUI and had to spend a month in jail. I was so upset because I went to a private school and no one’s families had anything like that going on. I felt like it was my fault that my dad acted the way he did towards me. I would believe the things he would say to me like that I’m stupid or that I need to loose weight and countless other things. It was around the same time when I started suffering from social anxiety. I already posted about that if you want to go see that. I would vomit before going to school and once i got there I hated every single second of it. In October I left traditional high school and started online school. I was home alone all the time which left me to be taken over by my mind. I believed that I wasn’t meant to be on this Earth. I started cutting myself in December. Whenever I would get yelled at by my parents I would run to my room lock the door pull out a saftey pin and go to town. When I would cut myself I would think that I deserved to be hurt. I would usually just do super quick strokes until I saw enough blood then I would stop. A weird satisfaction would take over me when i saw all of the blood and it would kind of make me feel..happy? But everytime a couple hours after i would start to regret doing it becuase I would be scared that my mom would see the scars and freak out (which she has done a couple times). I would think about suicide quite often. There was one time that I had a handful of pills in my mouth ready to take them but right as I almost did my mom came home from work and when I heard her voice calling for me I just couldn’t do it because I knew it would break her heart. Throughout everything I’ve been through my mom has been right there helping me and giving me everything that I need. I am so lucky to have a mom like her. In April I stopped cutting myself because it was getting warmer outside and I didn’t want people to see my cuts. Only two people knew that I did it, my best friend Lauren and my counselor. When I stopped cutting it kinda made it easier for me to become happier. Don’t get me wrong it was so hard sometimes at first I would go crazy when I wanted to cut but wouldn’t let myself. I started thinking about all the things I want to do in the future like go to my dream college, fall in love, have kids etc. When I would think of those things i wouldn’t want to be dead anymore because there are so many things I have yet to expierence. I started doing things that would make me happy like singing, playing guitar and piano, being with my best friend. It took time but I eventually became happier. Here I am today in July and I no longer have depression. I BEAT IT. I still have days when i get sad and upset but that’s normal. Sadly, I am still suffering from social anxiety. I’m terrified to go back to regular school in August. I’ll keep working on that though. I am never going to let myself slip down to where I was. Trust me I know it seems impossible to be happy again but with hard work and patience it will happen. I promise. I’ve gone on long enough so I’m going to go now.