Fuck I feel stuck. It’s a shit feeling after escaping this town for a little while. I’m pretty confused after the NAET treatment. I’m confused in general. trying to keep my spirits up but it’s tough when you’re grieving and processing so many emotions simultaneously. Losing my twin was tough. Part of me hates her because she really fucked with my life hard. Adding tons of gender dysphoria and a sense of never being able to be me. I’m still as confused as ever about that but she did a number on me. I try to keep my head up. I know certain emotions pass but these ones have seem to stuck with me for a while now. Identity is never something i truly had in my grasp. I’m good at faking too. Faking vulnerability and opening up. I tell people enough to get by. They believe me because, to them, it’s intense enough to sound really deep but i’m one of the deepest people alive without a doubt. So, to me, that vulnerability is really nothing at all.
I dont really trust anybody ever. Why should I? The world is full of fuck fucks. Im in it for myself and my own success or survival. Probably survival but my gut tells me success. Like usual I dont trust my gut. It’s tough to believe with this state of mind.
I’ll always love her but the energy treatments revealed I’m “allergic” to her right now. I wasnt surprised with my other ex because I loathe the shit outta her. But with this girl I was shocked somewhat because I still love her and my feelings for her have been returning lately very strong. Confusing shit. Time will tell.
Time will tell. Always does. Father Time is the best healer and abuser. I still have so far to go. It seems insurmountable. Impossible. I know I must continue to persevere and stave off depression and suicide by maintaining my fitness regimen.
Peyote seems like something that could offer some illumination. LSA sounds interesting too. All psychedelics intrigue me immensely in potentially propelling me forward into another realm of possibility. Know Thyself they said. It would be fun they said. No, not fun. I’m full of panic, paranoia and fear. That sucks. I guess I’ll keep singing… Only thing keeping me going are the prospects of a new place to live soon and recording my album. That’s it. And maybe new love because I gotta move on from her somehow. The way she goes.