It seems like forever since I’ve been on this website, and I pity myself for needing to come back, for needing to vent about something that never leaves, the follows me as close as my own shadow.
This feeling, this dreaded feeling is back, and as I try, day by day, to push it to the back of my mind, all it does is grow, feeding off my happiness.
I’m upset, so upset that it seems that all is going well, yet this feeling won’t allow me to feel joy, to feel anything besides remorse. I want to be the one who is always smiling, not just externally, but internally too.
There’s no way to avoid this feeling, no way to diminish it, so I might as well welcome it.
So here I am, welcoming the ending, with shaking arms and a flooded heart.
Maybe when I’m engulfed by this feeling, I won’t feel anything anymore.