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What’s your story?

by marine105

Hey guys, I just thought of something random and was wondering if you’d like to join in:

QUESTIONS:

1) describe the nature of your mood, whether it be miserable or ecstatic

2) describe what you think is going to happen to you, and then what you want to happen to you

 

 

I’ll start:

1) I don’t even know if I have a ‘mood’ anymore.  I think my subconscious has virtually blocked all emotions in order to protect my conscious mind from telling me to skip off a bridge.  I have skeletons in my closet that I simply cannot banish from existence, and the demons that emanate from them grow daily; they tear and claw at my insides, and I hold them back.  I hold them back because I have to, because I can’t show any of my internal processes to others because of they know, I don’t feel safe.  I feel uncomfortable.  I hate it when people get to know me, when I become ‘predictable’ even.  It prevents me from getting close to people…even my fiance.

2) I think that I’m eventually going to go to a shooting range and put a bullet through my chest.  But what I want to happen is to be happy…to have what other people normally have.  Not this shadow following me around day in and day out.  I want to be free.

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Mf 7/20/2015 - 7:46 pm

This sounds like fun (and painful at the same time). Hope you get your happiness eventually.

1) I don’t really know about this one. I fluctuate from laughing because of random dumb stuff into feeling like my only choice is to end it. I guess i go from detachment to despair, and my middle state is a mixture of melancholy/numbness.

2) I think i’m going to end up ending it eventually, before i damage somebody else. I’ve been getting this weird blank moments when i try talking to people lately (as in, not being able to reply back or react at all), so i don’t see a good end to that. Not sure what i really want anymore, there’s too many issues to fix.

Salt 7/20/2015 - 8:20 pm

@Mf total tangent, Mf! Where an how ya been? Man I was worried…

@marine105 As always, a very thought provoking and interesting post. Your answer to #1 is frighteningly close to mine, except that my subconscious is evidently layin down on the job because no matter how hard I try to block out emotions, they flood and dominate every waking moment. And most sleeping moments.

For #2 I’m going to resist the temptation to answer “die and die” and instead give it a lot of thought. Here’s what I got: I think I will eventually figure out a way to manage my pain, nothing earth shattering but just enough to survive day by day (much like I am now, I guess). But of this I am sure: I WILL NEVER FIND HAPPINESS. I’ll find enough “escape” to make it through a long torturous life, and I think I’ll accomplish a lot of things I set out to do, but barely 1% of the things I want to do. In the end I’ll die just as I lived: furiously and painfully.

What do I want to happen? The exact opposite of everything I just said. But at the same time, screw that. Happiness is boring.

Dorothy Gale 7/20/2015 - 8:52 pm

Happiness is so interesting to me. Self-realizing it is a bloody battle. And for how fragile of a state it can be. Dependent on so many factors.

What are some of the things you want to do, if I may ask?

Mf 7/20/2015 - 10:09 pm

@Salt: hey glad to see you are still alive and kicking, how have you been doing? i’ve been… meh, trying to do what i’m supposed to (which hasn’t worked out too well… since i’m back here, guess i never really left).

Btw, happiness? i’ve always seen it as just moments, as in you can have happiness, just don’t expect it to last for too long. Like you say most of it is escapism. Being stable is more of an achievable thing tho.

Salt 7/20/2015 - 11:12 pm

@ DG – “Interesting” is the word for it. It’s like a mysterious quantity that’s so foreign to me yet so natural to everyone else, I’m intrigued more than frustrated these days. As for what I want to do… well, fix the universe for starters ha. Perhaps like you implied in your post below, suddenly becoming happy to be alive is not a possibility for some of us. In the absence of that, having a goal is the next best thing to keep you going. So what better, unattainable goal is there than fixing everything that’s wrong with everything? lol Everything from picking up trash on the side of the road to changing corrupt laws to hanging out here & doing a bit to distract people from shooting themselves, it’s all part of the goal to keep ya going eh? 🙂

@Mf – Alive, yes. Kicking, definitely. Getting kicked just as hard, oh you know it.

Yeah, happiness isn’t totally gone. It occasionally shows its face just enough to tease, build up hope, then let its buddy Disappointment go in for the kill. But what can ya do. I’m getting used to the drill & learning to make the most of those few happy, escapist moments.

Dorothy Gale 7/20/2015 - 8:13 pm

1) describe the nature of your mood, whether it be miserable or ecstatic
It’s been up and down. For now I’m feeling okay.

2) describe what you think is going to happen to you, and then what you want to happen to you
What I think is going to happen is another burnout, breakdown, and low point to be yet another test of willpower and recovery. I haven’t self-harmed in almost 3 years or made suicidal plans, but I feel the darkness always there at least two or three steps behind. One does not simply get over depression: one claws their goddamn way out of it. I swear, this process has made me more sympathetic to those who commit suicide than actually failing at suicide has.
I think it’s inevitable. I’ve been steeling myself for it for quite some time. I know the drill at this point. I hope I can be strong enough and not disappoint my loved ones. What I want to happen is to come out for it stronger, one step closer to achieving my goals.

marine105 7/21/2015 - 1:56 am

“It’s like a mysterious quantity that’s so foreign to me yet so natural to everyone else, I’m intrigued more than frustrated these days”
Salt, that’s on-fuckin’ point. Couldn’t have put my current state in better terms myself

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