I am 39 years old today. I always hoped and prayed i would never get this far, that something would happen or I would have the courage to end it. I never did. With each passing year more and more hope just dissipated that i would find someone and i am pretty sure that i am empty of what little hope there was. That really sucks because i still dont have the courage to end it.
So here i am, a shell of a human being, trying to fake being a person. There is just nothing left of me but genuine dispair. That is getting to be a challenge to hide, and to live with.
Can you be grateful and want out at the same time? I think i am. I have had good parents and good siblings and a good life. I am grateful for that. Happiness, love and even any real connection still eludes me. I have been able to show them just enough of me so they think i am ok but even that is getting hard to fake. They say the hardest thing in the world is to loose a child so i know i wont do anything for as long as they are around but it is getting harder to keep that promise to myself.
I just wish there were a god even just to make the argument to someone that i should not be here anymore. If there were one, it would probably fall on deaf ears.
I an tired of my own complaints, my own unending sadness. I am tired of a daily grind made more unbearable by the person that i have become. There is no more turning things around or no more third act where things come together. I want to die. I hope i find the courage when the time comes.