I’m 30 and never had a boyfriend- never had anyone say they like me or ask me out. I have tried everything (and “nothing), I went to a big college, graduate school, tried online dating and really worked at it, I have hobbies and friends. I’ve tried EVERYTHING, but I just can’t connect.
It seems so easy for other girls, and I’m losing friendships now that all my close friends are married, and my coworkers, too. I feel like this is never going to change and that my life is a big mistake.
After another failed Saturday night out, I feel totally hopeless. My family, my job, my friends, the material things are empty. I feel like eveyone’s moving on, getting married and having families, and I’m just more and more alone.
I really feel tempted to end my life today.
47 comments
I know how you feel. I am a male and I’m almost 50. I have never had a relationship. I’m still a virgin. Never been on a date. Never been kissed. I feel like a freak and others often treat me with suspicion because I have never been seen with a woman. All my friends got married had children and are now grandparents and I still feel like I am 14. People think I am either gay or some weird sort of sexual predator. Life can still be rewarding and enjoyable being alone. My pets have saved me. Being alone is no reason to kill yourself. I know how difficult it can be. I had a breakdown a few years ago and it was mostly caused by being alone and isolating myself. I had not had any human touch in over 5 years and was going months without speaking to another human. Stay strong. Get out and about and just make friends, it could lead to more. Don’t hide yourself away like I did.
thats sad to hear SI. i hope you find some love
hang in there. when i read posts i dont usually hear a voice but when i read yours i felt i could hear your voice and furstration. that reakky sucks but im gonna be online here throughout the day if you need constant support or you can email me at killswitchon88 @ hotmail . com
Thank you replying. I feel like I need to let people know where I’m at, but I think it’s hard on my friends who just don’t understand or don’t want to. Like ‘Somebody Insignificant’ I’m starting to see myself isolating, which is easy to do here in Vermont.
I’m hanging in a minute at a time. I don’t have any substances in my house, and I’m too depressed to go out for them- so just as well.
I never thought that I’d be here. I want to hang in, but I don’t see any evidence that leads me to believe that the next ten years will be any different from the last.
10 years huh? how about focusing on ten minutes. take a breath. put your feet up. try to calm the panic about the future and lets talk about your fave movie or tv show. how about that
It’s a self fulfilling prophecy. You are frustrated and bitter and rightly so and that makes you less and less approachable. I used to think I was going to be sad and alone cause I was really fat. Im still fat but working on it. Down 50 pounds and its a huge boost. My first girlfriend initiated contact with me and gave me a lot more confidence. Turns out I wasn’t unwanted. She was ” hot” physically out of my league but mentally very insecure and avoidant of problems in her life. Eventually I left her because she was so like a child and just wanted to be taken care of and have full security without giving anything back and was being disloyal to me and taking out her frustration about the relationship not moving ahead even tho it was entirely her own fault. She lets her mother run her life for the most part. Her mom hates me BTW from the get go cause I competed for her daughters time and usually won. Im always a priority not an option. Very selfish. I dated her for 3 years. It was a high energy thing and we got along really well and fought just as passionately. I became an option to her and thats always bad. Anyway now I’m single and realize that I do have game. I was so worried about failure before and probably why I stayed in the disfunction as long as I did even while being disrespected. She had been with more people than I had and built up my confidence because for a long time she adored and respected me and my manly sexyness and ability to provide. Then I went through a couple job spats and she felt insecure in my ability to provide and therefore thought me weak and boring. I’m definitely neither.
Anyway to make a long story short the only way for somebody to respect you and for you to be able to respect them is for you to respect yourself first and know you are valuable. Nobody wants somebody that thinks they are a loser. She didn’t respect herself very much and had low self-esteem through the relationship which I built up with encouragement but just like my first girlfriend when you let yourself stagnate and feel helpless and don’t put value in yourself and why you deserve to be wanted then its hard to convince other people that. I was sad and angry for a long time before I met her. She got me out of serious depression. The difference between successful people and everyone else is they use their 24 hours better and don’t spend time putting themselves down. It’s a circle of despair.
So back to you. Do you feel sexy !? If you don’t then you need to work on you. Dont worry about being alone for a minute. Think about how you can build up your own sense of self worth. Don’t be desperate people can smell it on you. Life is covered by the law of least effort. People admire and respect those that appear to have it all together and appear as tho they don’t have to try to get that way. A kings probably one of the hardest workers in a kingdom but when he sits on his thrown giving orders it appears as if he doesn’t have to expend a lot of effort to get what he wants.
Fake it till you make it. It’ll be okay. Don’t kill yourself. The race isn’t over 30 is still young. The number one thing you need to work on is being approachable but at the same time be high value. Men chase things that are hard to get. Believe me I know what it feels like to be alone and want company for years and not get it. It reduces you to slapping the keyboard and that never works. Build yourself up and put yourself in situations where you can attract a hi value man. It’s not easy but I suggest making lists of the things you like about yourself and things you would change. Change is hard. Especially when you aren’t used to it.
I lost 115 pounds. Nothing changed.
you fox u
but seriously thats admirable. not many ppl can fuckus (focus) and lose that much weight. bravo *slow golf clap and standing*
You still see yourself as fat then. Idk how much you were up to and its irrelevant because by any metric that’s a lot of weight to lose. Beleive me I ate my feelings for years and then smoked them away with lots of weed and ignoring my bad feelings about myself did nothing and wallowing in it just makes it worse and food is the worst drug of all. You can’t just not eat. It’s not like you can quit so you have to manage it. That should be a huge confidence booster. I won’t lie. It is hard being a woman. Most men want a young beautiful women with good genes that will take care of herself and potential children. Men see overweight women as having bad genes and not taking care of themselves and not being the ideal health for having children. Men are visual creatures first and emotional second. You want to attract men and have them approach you. Get down to a fighting weight so to speak and believe you are attract for your mind and body. I’ve seen some of the most beautiful women that just give off the wrong vibe and because of that I wouldn’t approach them even if I thought they were cute before spotting their bad attitude. Ive got a lot of balls in almost everything in my life. Dating being the last area I adopted my world view to. I will approach anybody I like and start talking to them regardless of how they look. Putting women on a pedestal never works. Women across the board see it as weak. Not being sexist but most men want a women that is slightly beneath them and I think relationships that have a clear order work best. Women follow and men are leaders. I suggest finding a man that is slightly above your own status, smarter than you by a hair, and respects you. You will get bored with a man that doesn’t keep you on your toes. I think it’s very important for a woman to have a strong man. All the miserable women Ive ever met were dominant over their man. A man that doesn’t have his balls isn’t a man. If you think he’s smarter and charming and a provider its always best. If your man is beneath you and you think you can get a better model that provides more or satisfies your needs it doesn’t work. Women as a rule lose respect for men they see as weak. The number one quality men look for in a long term mate is loyalty. Makes sense right? Why would a man want to spend his time money and resources caring for a women and the children they make together if he thinks she will leave? A happy women makes a happy man. Men are much easier to please. We just have a shorter list of needs. Why does the mating dance work this way just turn to nature. A woman that feels like she is below her man must invest and chase and is happy because she feels like she has a real catch a challenge. A woman above her man chases nothing loses interest and becomes cold and unhappy because she is unchallenged and her man becomes weak by submitting to her and unattractive. As long as you feel like you got better than your status allows you are happy.
The minute it flips you are unhappy. This is of course generalalites but by and large the rule. There are exceptions. Some men like dominate women and overweight ones too. But most men instinctively go for a women close to their status. I’m all for women being equal. I think women can do almost any job a man could do. Focusing on being more masculine tho might be great for your career but generally is bad for dating. Pre 1960 to the beginning and still outside the western world women get this. The more masculine you become the less success and happiness you will have with relations. Men and women are differnt. We like to think of ourselves as being above animals yet our lives are ruled by the only meaning of life which is to reproduce. Trying to fight your sex is dumb. You obviously haven’t been doing it right up till now or it would have happened. Become more approachable and inviting. Men are trying to get sex and spreading genes. Women are trying to get commitment and status in case of pregnancy. It’s not men that call women sluts its other women primarily. Men like easy sex. For a partner tho they view it as bad because it increases the odds of cheating and using limited resources on potential other men’s children. The amount of commitment a women can get for her sexual favor is lowered by other women giving it away cheaply. Thus women try to maintain their image as having few or no partners and shame the ones that do. Modern western society is a direct contradiction of evolutionary needs and thus the high devorce rate. Women today being sexually liberated and having more sex without having to raise a child because of birth control etc has in fact lowered the level of commitment women as a whole are able to get. High price of sex in the market makes for stronger more stable relationships. One would think everybody having more sex should make everybody happier but its the exact opposite as a whole.
Actually the looks and weight do play a factor but the most important part is the attitude you project. I remember that back when i was obese (270 pounds or so, and i’m not tall) i used to isolate myself and surely, no one approached me. One girl tried once (over the span of 10 years i guess? i didn’t date until i was 22) and i believed she was joking and didn’t take it seriously, lol.
I did lose the extra weight and nothing changed. Eventually i started changing my attitude a bit, and then things worked a bit better (not that i have someone now, but i did see a change). Sadly dating and attracting people is one of those things that you do have to believe in yourself first (at least in most cases). I agree with johnwhogivesashit that 30 is still young, and to be honest, when people are more mature mentally relationships do work better.
not necessarily. and what quantifies as one being mature mentally? I look at children and envy the freedom they have to be themselves and express emotion liberally. The connections i formed as a child were so pure. as pure as theyt could be considering my internal pain. i just simply loved. if i could be an 8 year old again and just love someone again that would be the ideal relationship.
To me being mature mentally could mean many things. In the context of this tho (relationship), to me it’s mostly being more accepting of the person you are with, and knowing what you want out of it. Being honest, faithful, all that cliche stuff (but grounding it in reality). Maybe i’m referring to a more rational kind of love (if that makes sense).
While i do agree that young love is the purest, we do change when we get old, and our needs change as well. I obviously can’t blame a child of not being emotionally mature, but a point could be made out of it in teenagers tho, but well… times have changed quite a lot too, so you have that to consider as well.
i dunno. i still think being like a child again is the ultimate goal in life. its so honest and real. none of this hiding ourselves bullshit. innocent interaction is my longing i suppose.
cuz listen, my whole life ive always been called immature. but it started to bother me and make me ask. wtf is mature and immature anyway? thats a term we’ve used to box people into acting a certain way. i say fuck maturity. i say, i say, i sayyyy be immature and crazy n stupiddd
Maybe we have different ways of labeling things. I do tend to say that “people don’t become mature, fruits and vegetables do”, so i should find another way of saying that after certain age people are more prone to commit themselves to a relationship (but at times it’s easier and faster to use the standard society term haha).
I have to point out that you are talking about maturity being shit to a guy in his 30s that still plays videogames, doesn’t wear formal clothes, watches anime, and does things that according to society he should have stopped doing when he was 17, lol. I couldn’t be considered a geek only because i’m not overly fanatic about any of those. So i do agree with you about immaturity (up to a certain point tho).
again, i just think that words box feelings and emotions. if i went to hop around town dressed as batgirl then i’ll do that. if i want to play with barbies i’ll do that too. man i played with action figures until i was like 14. honestly i think a part of me has always resisted “growing up”.
i will also confess between us (im pretending nobody else can see our convo) that i played with stuffed animals until i was like 16. im forever an eight year old kid. always will be. its weird cuz on one hand i feel like im a thousand years old and seen it all but that duality of being forever a young sapling yknow
Then what about all the people with equally sucky attitudes that are in relationships? Plenty of people with stuff find partners, nobody is perfect
As sad as it is, i have to say that’s just plain and pure luck. By attitude i did mean the initial attitude tho (as in letting people approach you). I do know people that beat their partners and treat them like crap and have been years together (and i’ve never beat up a women and i was alone for quite a while when i still tried dating, lol), so you are right on that one. Even if you have the best attitude it’s still a lottery and i guess some of us aren’t that lucky.
Also, i don’t know your exact situation so everything i wrote was pure generalized speculation, so if i was wrong (or offended you in any way) i’m sorry.
there is no perfect answer. i think its honestly about exposure. go out in public n do shit. talk to ppl. its hard with panic and anxiety so i can relate but u push thru. being lonely sucks tho. i will say that. ive felt like nobody has truly known me my whole life. i think in the coming months that feeling will shed as i get in touch with my trans identity but its still fuckin ruff n tuff
As sad as it is, i have to say that’s just plain and pure luck. By attitude i did mean the initial attitude tho (as in letting people approach you). I do know people that beat their significant other and treat them like crap and have been years together (and i’ve never beat up a women and i was alone for quite a while when i still tried dating, lol), so you are right on that one. Even if you have the best attitude it’s still a lottery and i guess some of us aren’t that lucky.
Also, i don’t know your exact situation so everything i wrote was pure generalized speculation, so if i was wrong (or offended you in any way) i’m sorry.
They aren’t happy tho. You want happiness and a partner. It’s a strong motivator to think yourself unworthy when by the act of not enjoying dating up to this point it has confirmed your bad feelings about yourself. Everybody wants to feel attractive and wanted. Have you heard of the winning effect ? When you rack up more than 3 wins in a role your body actually starts putting out hormones that increase confidence awareness and smarts. The same happens when you lose more than 3 times in a row but in reverse. Your body in fact makes it physically harder to concentrate think clearly and it saps your energy. Winning streaks happen for a reason. You get momentum. Same for losing. You begin to lose steam literally and it harder to then win!
I can understand but being single is not a good reason to kill yourself.
why do you think not?
Have you tried dating women? Maybe you should hit a lesbian bar.
zalien- how exactly would you feel if you wanted a girlfriend and someone told you to go to a gay bar? Get a clue
No offense meant. You just mentioned trying to date men, not women. Maybe a bar isn’t the best option then if you want a long-term relationship.
this comment sounded too much like something C4 would say. @zalien. @newgirlV i think its plausible to ask that. especially in this day and age you never know.
I must have spent too much time around him. (Actually that’s not true. I was a lesbian supporter long before I met him.)
haha well i fully support lesbionik matrimony and heartfelt connection. do u support them as adamantly as bras support boobz?>
I wouldn’t use that precise phrasing, but in a nutshell, yes.
in a nutshell? seashells sound better tho. u are nutty enough but im allergic to all treenuts, P nutz and deeze nutz. ‘
and out of genuine curiosity how would you liken your support of the lesbian display of rainbow love?
rules of the answer.
1) in one sentence.
2) use a metaphor
3) creativity is a must
Here’s a Gay Pride quote for you:
“What is straight? A line can be straight, or a street, but the human heart, oh, no, it’s curved like a road through mountains.” — Tennessee Williams, “A Streetcar Named Desire”
the human hart (corey <3) {Sunglasses At Night} is shaped like my next wet dream. lawlerz. but seriously the human heart is shaped like a butt or a nice pair of boobiez. everything beautiful in this world is curved. like luvvv babay *deep barry manilow voice* tristeza's /face/ is realy really curvy. which is why i love it. reminds me of my gendeer and sexualitay. fuck i feel more free today. i dont even care that i might go hungry in day or so. at leasts i'll die embracing my womanhood.
Don’t go hungry, I’m sure you can use your charm to find yourself some nutriments. You’re not currently under the influence of intoxicant beverages by any chance, are you?
why? u know where a piratess like me can get me some? i’d love to get me in — eee- bree — ated
Eh, forget it, I was just wondering. I’m not (yet). Maybe later.
well, if there’s a way to mail shit to pluto (thats where I am) you can go right ahead and do that.
Oh nice. I like Pluto. Seems kinda cold there though.
sailor pluto makes it hawter >__<
One thing i know is having relationships doesn’t make you happy. My one cousin killed himself by train two years back, he was thirty he had better social skills then anyone I’ve known. He once told me he has slept with over 800 girls (don’t know how he counted but one thing I am sure, he wasn’t lying) And I know women who killed them self and were in relationship.
I’m not sure sleeping with someone counts as a relationship tho, i’d say that’s like the opposite of it… sorry about your cousin tho, i had an uncle who killed himself in the same way… not nice at all.
well my little brother is quite the assfuck lothario in his own right and he’s bedded a few lasses and each girl has taught him something. whether thats to wear a condom next time or whether thats something only a woman could teach. its a type of relationship but its not real real real yknow. i used to think that a thousand surface encounters were better than ONE deep as fuck love exchange. im not so sure now. i feel like ONE really good relationship is fuckin better than anything else. my 17 year old self knew that. i jus got lost in trans-formation.
Just because you got to 30 without having a relationship yet doesn’t mean you’ll stay alone forever.
Never had someone say they like you? I find that hard to believe.
Maybe you couldn’t connect or get along well with anyone up until now but there has to be someone you’ll naturally connect with, without having to try too hard, and when that finally happens you could then try your best with them.
There are a LOT of different people out there and many of them you probably haven’t met yet, even a higher number of people if still keep online dating as an option, there has to be someone out there for you.
Apologies in advance for being a bit of a hopeless romantic here but,
There has to be someone special out there who will like you for who you are, you just haven’t ran into them yet. You never know when you do end up meeting them, but it will happen eventually, and then it wouldn’t matter you had to wait this long (and it might even make it more special).
Wtf moderation!? This is a test ! I don’t think they like long comments
been seeing so many comments go straight to mod today.
Hi All,
After a very long day and a lot of crying and some phone calls, I’m still here and getting ready to go to bed. Thank you for the supportive comments, especially from “ifuckedthequeen” (lol). Hoping that tomorrow is better.
I would really like to read an update on this story. I know I am rather late but I’m curious as to how this all turned out…