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…!?

by mranony

I am so failing my college. As I said from my other previous post, I’m back to my weak self. I don’t want to wake up in the morning to go to university again. I don’t want to wake up feeling little. I just want to lay down on my bed. Listen to music maybe. BUT what would become of me?

If I tell this to others, they’ll tell me I’m too negative or I’m wasting opportunities. But to tell the truth, I’m okay with menial jobs. I just don’t want to stand on the stage I was once good at or maybe I was never been good at it.

Some people would say, for the sake of socialization, that I am a smart girl. No. Maybe I WAS but not now. I am not flattered. I want to slap myself for being stupid. I wasted myself. I regret it so much. And now I’m having a hard time to catch up. I feel so intimidated with the people around me. I feel so little. So stupid. I want to make up to the years I haven’t given my life a serious thought but because it was too long I can’t regain it anymore.

Teachers, people would look at me and say, “Oh, you’re his sister? Your brother won this, won that. Competed on this. On that” And now my mind would automatically process that I should live up to their expectations. If people discovered I was from a science school or how I walk or interact with people, they’ll say I am cool. Then, I’ll just disappoint them that I am not THAT person. Then they’ll look at me so pathetically.

I FEAR THEM. I fear of being rejected, ignored. So I rather not interact with people because I know I can’t amuse them. I have troubles expressing myself. I can’t even show it to my face. Then they’ll say I’m strange or cold. Then they’ll notice my poor academic and practical skills that my mind would just casually tell me that now those people think I’m stupid and of no-use.

I want to drop-out but I can’t be a burden anymore. I need to try but my body won’t listen to me. My system is too down to remember lectures. To listen to professors. To act cheery. I don’t even get social interactions. What is a “normal” conversation without mentioning fucked up things? I don’t even know how to respond. Are there any manual books for this?

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tphg 8/4/2015 - 10:17 am

I love your last paragraph; brought me to tears, seriously. It’s exactly how I’m feeling, totally out of sync with my body. I had this regrettable conversation with someone who’s barely an acquaintance where I said all the fucked up things I could think of. I wish I had more to say but maybe just knowing that other people are in the same boat will be of some relief to you.

mranony 8/4/2015 - 10:29 am

Good to know that I’m not entirely strange. I know some people who have stranger minds but I envy them how they can still respond normally or something. But me? I either say the most fucked up thing that crossed my mind or just stay still and blank. Funny enough, both of them end a conversation fast. 😀

Well, good luck for the both of us then 🙂

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