I haven’t really gotten a chance to vent to others. Most of the time I’m too afraid to actually spill what’s on my mind to those closest to me, or my thoughts are too jumbled that I can’t really describe what I’m feeling very well so I have to brush it off and say ‘oh it’s nothing, don’t worry about it’ or ‘it’s a long story’. So when I saw this site I was pretty happy because not only can I actually say what I’m actually thinking without the fear of being stigmatized, but I can actually help myself cope by sharing everything that’s been hurting me in my life.
I guess I’ll start by saying I’m a sixteen year old girl, I attend online classes regularly now because I was an outcast in public school and I’ve been bullied severely for many years which is a major factor in my depression. I have severe social anxiety in real life and I couldn’t even dream of starting a conversation with someone unless they talked to me first, let alone even holding a conversation. This has been a problem with me for as long as I can remember and public speaking projects haven’t helped me a bit. I’m a shut-in, and while most people would think I’m terrible for not going out too often unless my mom tells me too, I like being inside most of the time because I feel safer at home. It’s quiet, I can stay in my comfortable pajamas all day and I don’t have to worry about being in a crowd of unfamiliar people. Also, I can sleep in when I don’t have something to do (which is most of the time). Now that I think about it, I probably suffer from hypersomnia, but that’s besides the point.
I spend nearly all of my waking hours online talking to people, watching videos, playing games, etc. I don’t feel bad about being on the computer 24/7 because I have friends to talk to who care for me when I’m upset and understand me a bit better than others could in real life. I’m also in an online relationship with someone who makes me very happy; they bring out the best in me and I enjoy talking to them every day, but I’ve unfortunately gotten a bit dependent on them as when they’re not around, I’m really lonely.
I have a mother who tries her best to take care of me, she helped me get my medication, but she ends up saying a lot of things that hurt me without realizing it, whether it’s to my face or not. I don’t hold it against her but some things she say stick with me for a long time. I’m afraid of confronting her about it because I feel like she will turn it against me somehow and make me look like the bad guy. My depression causes me to feel sluggish and deprived of energy even the moment I wake up so I tend to not do things most of the time or put them off, which extends to basic tasks like brushing my hair, taking a shower or even just eating. I struggle with it a lot but I try my best to keep myself clean and healthy even when I don’t feel like it. Mom always says it’s because I’m lazy and spending all day on my laptop, but in reality it’d be the same whether I was reading a book or watching television or doing some other thing. My mom just doesn’t really grasp the full concept of depression and just thinks it’s about being sad and wanting to kill yourself all the time.
It’s true that I’m not really happy a lot, I’m just content or mediocre. It doesn’t mean that I’m always sad, though. When I’m upset, it’s usually that I’m having a meltdown over having no one who could really understand what I’m going through, or feeling like I’m alone like I have been for most of my life. I feel like everyone hates me just because I can’t help being deprived of energy most of the time. The way things are going, I’m starting to fear how my future’s going to turn out because if I can’t do something so small as taking care of myself, how am I gonna get a job or drive or do other adult things?
There’s a lot that’s happened in my life that’s still unexplained, but this is all I remembered for now and I feel like this post is getting a bit long. If you managed to read this whole thing through, then thank you. I’m thankful that a site like this exists and that I can finally get a chance to vent and tell people what’s been on my mind. Again, thank you for reading/listening to what I have to say, I think it helped me a lot and I feel way better than I did earlier just by typing this out.
2 comments
Social anxiety can be overcome, just don’t give up. (^_^)
I’m glad you found this site and that it’s helping you out.
I know it’s usually expected of everyone to be social but i personally think it’s not such a big ‘must’.
You don’t really have to start conversations or get along with everyone in my opinion, and in case you’ll run into someone who is more on the same page and might get along with you better i’m sure a conversation will just happen fine naturally.
You’re not terrible for not going out much, if you don’t want to, each person has what they prefer and if staying home and doing activities at home is better for you there’s nothing wrong with that (but if you actually want to go out more and feel like you can’t that’s another issue on it’s own).
You don’t feel bad about being on the computer 24/7 – and yeah, you shouldn’t.
What most people think, say, or expect doesn’t matter.
We don’t have to go/be outside and socialize with people all the time, and we have no reason to feel bad either when we don’t.
If you’re happy with your online friends, and with your online relationship, that’s actually good and there’s nothing wrong with that.
Online friendships and relationships can be just as real as face-to-face ones, there’s still a real person behind the screen – and you can eventually plan meeting anyway if you wish.
However, while you shouldn’t really feel bad for it, yes, it might be a problem in your future and make things difficult later on, but that also depends on what you plan on doing or what you wish to do with your life.
If you’re doing well with your online studying that might be a good enough of a start though.
About taking care of yourself – it might be tougher than usual especially if you’re really depressed, but try to do it anyway.
Make a plan and decide what you’re going to do and when, and do it anyway when the time comes, without thinking too much. (“I’m going to take a shower at xx:xx” for example and when the time comes just do it).
Might sound silly, but it actually works sometimes.
Just take it easy and try to start slow, and it can work out pretty well.
It’s impressive you don’t hold the things your mom says against her, but i’m sure she doesn’t mean to be hurtful, she just cares about you and she might not be sure about what she should say to help you out.
Also yes,
The main thing about this kind of depression, it’s not being sad all the time, it’s usually being apathic and without any feeling at all. Empty and alone.
It’s hard for someone who doesn’t know what it’s like to understand it, so they react pretty weird about it and say silly things.
You shouldn’t probably confront her about it – but if it does bug you and she does repeat these things – you can try and explain yourself at least, or say you’re having difficulties and that’s why you’re acting the way you are (don’t expect her to fully understand though, and don’t try to argue too much, it might drain you more).
If she does try and get your meds for it though (the meds you mentioned are for depression or for other things?) you could actually ask for and try to get other/more types of help if that doesn’t work.
I’m really sorry for intruding, and i’m really sorry that came out such a huge text wall.
I know you didn’t really ask for comments, but i actually get you on many of the things you posted there so i felt like i had to.