This woman at work reached out to me and I told her that I have no desire to live. We had a chat about it and she seemed pretty determined to see me get better. She’s had her own issues with depression and wants me to go for the same specialized therapy that she went in for. And she wants to be my friend, it seems, because she’s talking to me a lot more and wants to hang out after work.
I feel so guilty because she doesn’t know how much of a lost cause I am. There’s no helping someone like me because I want to die. I don’t want to try and make my life work anymore. I don’t want to wake up anymore and live through all these meaningless days. This human experience has me fundamentally exhausted, and I don’t feel wrong for wanting to die, so what help is there for me?
All I can think about now is getting my hands on some ******** and saying good-bye for good. I’m supposed to go to New York at the end of August with my grandmother to see relatives I’ve never met, but I don’t even care anymore. I wanted to go because I’ve never been to New York, but I didn’t take into consideration that I’d have to spend extended time with other people. I can barely tolerate spending a full day visiting relatives, so I don’t know how I’m going to survive 8 days with people I don’t know.
And the thing with most people is that all they want to know is what you’re doing with your life. What job you have, what school you went to, the places you’ve been, the people you’re banging, and what you have planned for the duration of your stay on Earth. I used to have the energy to fake it and lead people to believe that I’m a normal, fully functioning member of society, but that’s gone now. All I can be is who I am, a manic depressive.
I don’t care about any of this, I just want out.
5 comments
We are all gonna die anyway, some of us just want to speed up the process. Why not if her life is miserable? But it should be her choice. Unfortunately, Nembethal is very hard to obtain
At least that person will listen to you without bringing in “help”. Have wanted to say the same to someone, but don’t want to be locked up.
Maybe just have a try..?
And dont leave your grandmother alone, and your relatives, at least they are someone who care about you, think about how hurt it would be n what a disaster if ure not there anymore for the original plan of visiting
My family sucks, but my grandmother is some kinda great woman on earth thats full of love and care, i hope yours is as well..
Its really hard to live meaningless days, i know that feeling, worse when you gta keep your head held high n act like nth is happening, everythgs okay, to pretend, thats really worse of all.
Anything you still care about..? Keep that in your mind to get thru those days, yea and hope ure pretty fine with those relatives, again, at least they r smone who care…
To be honest, I never liked people determined to help me get “better.” Maybe you should be clear with her that your not ready yet to get “better,” but that it would just be nice to have someone who will listen. If she’s been through the same thing perhaps she’ll understand.
Small talk sucks, especially with people you barely know. When people ask me what I’m doing with my life I skirt around it as best I can. Maybe you should go to New York just for the experience since you’ve never been there. It’s a pretty great place to visit.
true say^ fuck peoples help. we all have our own journey and must feel our own way out. the best help is somebody just existing with us. not having an agenda. fuck agendas and scripts. life is meant to be free. so i hear anyway