Fuck-up

That’s me. A giant fuck-up. A huge mistake. A waste of space. Nothing important.
That’s how I feel today.
I accidentally came out to my mum today. She asked a rather leading question, which resulted in me accidentally telling her. She didn’t say anything back, and continues to treat me as normal. I wish she had said something, because I have all these thoughts of what she could have said or thought, and I feel like these thoughts are slowly destroying me.
I wasn’t ready to tell her, and I feel like I have been forced to come out, and it’s really upsetting. I feel that I should have been able to tell her when I felt comfortable, rather than her asking a leading question. I feel betrayed. By my own mother.
And the urge is there again. The urge to cut. The urge to starve myself. The urge to scream at the people I care about most, because I can’t get my feelings across. And most of all, the urge to kill myself.
I want to be hated, and I want to be loved.
I want to die, and I want to live.
I want to continue to be depressed, and I want to hope for happiness.
But who am I fucking kidding? Life will never get better, at least not for me. I am always going to be stuck feeling like I don’t belong. My sexuality and gender are all over the fucking place, and I hate it. I just want to feel like me, like I can be me.