Before i say much of anything, I feel like I’ve got to make something clear: I dont want help. No, maybe I dont feel as if Im beyond help, but honestly at this point Id rather not hope that things will get better. Plus, oh unlikely reader of mine, there are better people on this site who actually deserve your help. Good people. Hurt people. People who wont give up as easily as I have.
Its been a while since Ive been on this site. A couple of months, perhaps. Definitely a few months since Ive posted or even commented. I suppose the reason is that Ive been making friends. Online, of course. Offline, theres not a soul who knows me whod suffer through a conversation with me on purpose. And these friends Ive made, theyre good people. Quite unlike me, though they seem to consider me a kindred spirit (I really dont see why). But it didnt get better. In fact, I started cutting. Not those scratches that I used to do, but actual cuts into my skin. The type that easily leave scars and vivid memories. I dont say this to incite pity; I have no need of none. I just say it because its a fact. Im 17 years old and 8 days after my birthday, I decided that Im not much good for anything and I started cutting. Anyway. Moving on.
Have you ever felt something that youre so sure of, an opinion that youve had without hearing others’ opinons? I dont quite know why, but I am of the steasfast and unshakable opinion that I am not a good person. Yes, Ive helped people before. Yes, Ive even brought them back from the brink a few times and given them hope in dark times. And yes, I acknowledge that every person makes mistakes and inevitably hurts others, whether on accident or by design. But I am not a good person. I know this for a fact because, you see, I have had the fortune of meeting and even befriending good people. And though they have, on occasion, tried to convince me that Im a good guy, my stubborn self has not yet wielded.
I suppose youre wondering what, exactly, is the point of this idiot writing this post and taking five minutes from your life that you wont get back. Quite honestly, I dont know. A multitude of reasons, perhaps? Ill list a few:
Ive helped so many people yet when I am at my worst (such as now), they arw incapable of helping me.
My father has truthfully explained to me that he fully expects that I will somefay slaughter everybody in my family.
My mother hates my guts even though I sit here not knowing what Ive done wrong.
My brother appears to be the epitome of charm and piety while I know him to be the exact opposite.
Oh and lets not forget that I appear fo be clever and intelligent yet end up failing about half of my classes.
Life is good.
Thank you for reading.
~M
1 comment
A bad person wouldn’t worry so much if they’re good or bad. A good person would want to be good to others and aim to be a better person, so just by that you can at least be sure you’re not a bad person.
If you do try your best to help others i don’t see why you wouldn’t believe you’re a good person.
Many others wouldn’t even bother and just care about their own self.
You’re no idiot ;p
That’s what people usually do; They use you when they can and when you need even a little in return they run off.
Your father is a little ridiculous there with his words but that’s something i often hear people say about quiet/struggling ones, even if it’s their own family, for some reason.
Failing classes doesn’t mean you’re not clever or not intelligent anymore.
Cutting might help you for a while but it will just make you feel worse in the end. I have no right to tell you what to do, but i think that if it’s possible you should find a different way to convert/let your pain out.