i am still here

when i was here last it was my birthday and i was quite certain that it was my last day . a lot has happened since then that i think you all may find at least interesting if not useful. i was quite determined to kill myself-had the means, a location(not going to mess up my own home), wrote instructions as to what i wanted for a funeral, gotten my affairs in order etc. i wrote here, told everyone what i was going to do, then left the house. got to my location, sat down and wrote in my journal, called my (then) therapist leaving a goodbye message. then i tried to work up the nerve to go through with it. something strange happened-for some reason i couldn’t do it. i was upset, scared, exhausted and didn’t know what to do. i asked for a sign -from god? the tree elves? who i don’t know. 20 minutes later i got my sign-a couple walked up (i was in a local park) to have a picnic. i couldn’t ace myself in front of them so i  went home. that was the first of several odd coincidences that led me to the conclusion that someone wants me to stay. fast forward to the following monday. i had been suffering from (still am) wicked insomnia going on (then) 2 weeks. i get sent home from work because i couldn’t think to do my job. i’m a cook in a nursing home and you have to be able to think and keep moving to do your job. i could do neither. at that time i  was a suicidally depressed, menopausal, insomniac with a uti -reckon i might be a bit cranky? i had an appointment with the shrink that afternoon. odd coincidence number two-since i wasn’t at work i called and moved the appt up so i could maybe sleep that afternoon. here ‘s when the wheels fall off the bus. the appt was going ok until i said he had been a dick to me at the previous appt ( he had) and i mentioned i was expecting to be chewed an new asshole for stopping my meds. he came UNHINGED and screamed at me saying i was being verbally abusive blah, blah, blah. i can’t remember all he said but i do remember his very angry face. he kicked me out of his office and made me write him an apology. i did so because i was stunned and couldn’t think. he then told me he wouldn’t see me without a “babysiter” which could be any random secretary. odd coincidence number three-my new therapist who doesn’t see patients on mondays wanders into the office and he sits in on my continuing appt with the shrink. i have a wonderful rapport with the new therapist and tell him what was going on. dr jeckyll is as nice as pie to the therapist . when i inquire as to how to for a possible hospitalization i am told ” its not my job”. end of appt. my therapist sits and talks with me for a hour afterwards as i try to figure out wtf just happened. he calms me down and i leave angry of course but not overly upset. odd coincidence number four-my husband is home because they didn’t have any work that day. therefore i wasn’t alone to sit and stew. or take action to ace myself. i tell him the story and he says fuck him get a new shrink. later that night the husband is drunk and we get into a fight. he says something to the effect no wonder your shrink yelled at you etc etc etc. he goes and passes out. i become unglued. that was the final straw. now my husband is taking snake’s side. i couldn’t access my method of choice so i call a friend. o.c number five-i remember her land line number , she comes and gets me. she seemingly flew here from 15 miles away. i couldn’t put two sentences together i was so upset. she didn’t know what all was going on so i had to start from the beginning. that night i voluntarily go to the hospital. i was wired for sound so i didn’t fall asleep until 5 am tuesday morning after getting up at 4 am monday morning. while talking to the np i asked a rhetorical question wondering what the shrink would have done if i had killed myself because of him. off the cuff i said besides contacting his attorney for a possible lawsuit. the hospital people narked on me saying i was going to sue him for malpractice. if you are going to rat on me you could at least get the story right. i was merely speculating on what may have happened after my death. i didn’t say that i was going to sue him-i’m not. let this be a lesson for you all-watch what you say. the circle the wagons mentality is alive and well. i assumed i was speaking in confidence-obviously wrong. our society puts doctors on pedestals. they are just people-no better or worse than anyone else. in retrospect i realize he was frustrated with me and the fact i wasn’t getting any better. not his problem anymore-i fired him. while i still see the therapist i purposely go on days when snake won’t be there. i no longer take any psych meds and am no worse for the wear. no one is more surprised than me. i am far tougher than i gave myself credit for. and so are you. if i can survive this bullshit you can survive yours. take care.