I do not deserve food as she has suffered

Everyone tells me that I had no choice, and that it wasn’t my fault. They said I did a lot more than what most would do. But I don’t feel that way, because I took her there. I am fully responsible for her death. I am to blame. It was my fault. I was supposed to take care of her, but instead, I sent her away. She died because of me.

It was horrible and heartbreaking why they decided to put her down. It shattered me.

I was going back for her, I couldn’t stand it that she was there. I was waiting for her to get her second medical. I called every day to make sure she was okay. I talked to 3 people. I emailed them, asking them to please watch over her. I was assured that her status was that she was still waiting to be seen by second medical. It was Monday when I spoke to someone last. He told me to rest assure that she is relaxing in her cage with toys, water and food, and waiting for second medical. I didn’t call on Tuesday because I needed a break from calling every day.. I was upset and emotional every time I called. Wednesday night, I came home from being away for the day and received an email that they had euthanized her. I was in shock.  I thought she was still waiting to get a second medical evaluation as they had told me. It happened without warning. But I should not have trusted them. I was fooling myself.

I had prayed on Tuesday night asking God to please watch over her. I don’t believe in God but I didn’t care. I prayed anyway. I pleaded.  She died on Wednesday. 

I took her there. I killed her.

I am overwhelmed with grief and guilt. I am so deeply, deeply sorry. But even with my sorries, I cannot express the grief that I am feeling.

Animals are so vulnerable, they really, really are. Their lives are in our hands. It is up to us to care for them. She paid for my incompetence with her death.

After she died, I did not eat much for 2 days. Just ate two bananas each night. I didn’t really care, I had no appetite. I do not feel I deserve food. I only feel I deserve to die. An eye for an eye. I cannot really explain these feelings, but it is how I feel. I don’t expect anyone to understand. I feel I need to be physically punished for this at the very, very least. I feel I don’t deserve anything. I don’t deserve joy or laughter. I deserve nothing. 

All I see is her pretty little face looking up at me as I left her there. It haunts me every day. I have sobbed every day but it does not take away the pain.

I wanted to hold her in my arms before I left but she was tense and didn’t want to move. I never got to hold her one last time. I shouldn’t have left her there.

All I see now is her little face looking up at me while I was saying goodbye. I didn’t want to leave her, I just didn’t know what to do. She was a sweet girl and she didn’t deserve to die like that. She did not get the love she deserved before she died. She made messes everywhere and I was angry at her, I shooed her away. 

She would come up to me when I am on the toilet and I would put her between my legs  by my knees and sway her back and forth. She would meow. That was our little thing. I loved her, I did. I wish I valued her so much more but now it is too late. 

She died in a place she did not know. For 5 days she was caged before they put her to death and I don’t care if there was a fucking toy in her cage- that may have also been a lie. She spent her last days on earth stressed and scared and lost without her family. She was taken away from her home. She didn’t know where she was. My heart can’t stand it when I think of this. She died and her body was tossed into the incinerator with many other carcasses. My heart truly cannot bear when I think of this. These are the thoughts that run in my head constantly. 

I don’t even have her ashes. There is nothing. She deserved so much more than what has happened to her. I don’t know how to deal with this.

I ate last night and tonight, but have decided not to eat much food anymore, to eat the bare minimum. I feel very good about this decision. Either that or take a razor to my leg. I’ve only done that twice when I was really young.