Just a few things on my mind and I may seem harsh but reading some of these comments are making me ill. Your all encouraging each other to take your life’s? Giving each other options for easy ways out? I have been in the exact same situation as many of you&it does get better. We don’t need to encourage each other to take the easy way out. We need to be sharing some fucking hope! So if I come across as harsh, it’s because I generally care.
First of all, I don’t give a shit what anyone says; There is no reason why you should take your own life. I have been through so much shit and even though I have to admit there have been times that I have been weak, I’m still here. I was self harming, I was abusing alcohol and I felt so alone. I couldn’t function properly without something to take my mind of everything going on around me. I couldn’t do anything with out breaking down into floods of tears, even going on a run would leave me sitting in a field crying my eyes out and planning my way out of this world.
I want to tell you about my story. How I felt and how I realised that I was the strongest ***** that I knew.
Okay, I grew up in an average household. Me and my mum never got on. We always argued and we don’t talk much these days. No sisters and 4 brothers. My dad died when I was about 6 and I was bullied all the fucking time, which sucks! Because I’m pretty awesome. No but serious, bullying as most of you know is very hard! And throughout all of my story bullying was still an issue and I did go to school throughout a lot of this story, I just can be bothered putting in my school life because it was the least of my problems. It just isn’t the main cause of my depression. It was however the cause for my eating disorder. Im not going to go too much in to my childhood because that part of my story isn’t too relevant. So anyway,
Not long after my 15th birthday I met someone who I thought was perfect for me. We met, got together and I thought I had fallen in love. He was such a nice lad, or so I thought! We had been together for a few weeks and things were perfect! Too perfect to be honest! But for once I was happy! We would hang out all the time, his friends became mine and vice versa. Me, him and his friends headed out this one Saturday. To our social feild where everyone met up. Yes, shameful, a feild! But we were all young! Anyway, he said he wanted to talk to me, so we went off. We went on a walk as we spoke about our usual bullshit! He led me down a path surrounded by bushes and trees. So I followed, as I trusted him! We stood under this tree and we’re just having a laugh. But his mood switched, he got a bit frustrated and agitated as if for nothing. I was so confused thinking that I’d done something wrong, something to hurt him as he snapped at me. Telling me that I was a ‘slag’ and he didn’t believe I was a virgin. Now, I’m a feisty *****&I always have an answer for anything. I can fight, argue and generally give back what gets thrown at me. So as we stood there arguing I found myself feeling so lost and confused. How could someone who ‘loved’ me be saying all this to me? As I stood shocked I realised that I didn’t have to stand there and listen. So tears flowing I turned and went to walk away. But all of a sudden, I felt a forceful pull flinging me back into the near tree. He forced himself on me and without going into too much detail, it’s pretty obvious what happened there that day. I unwillingly lost my virginity. At first I thought that it was my fault for being too weak. So I sat in silence, shocked for days until I realised what had actually happened. I had no one to talk to and the abuse only ever got worse. The hits I’d get when I ever said no to sex, or when I didn’t follow what I was told. The embarrassment he would make me feel when people were around us both or he didn’t like what I was wearing. I was physically and mentally abused for months. But the time came were I got brave. I realised that I did not deserve what I was going through and that I was not in the wrong, therefor I picked up my head from the floor and sorted out my issues. Although I never went public about what had happened to me throughout that relationship, I felt better in myself. His chapter has finished there for me. I did still get him harassing me for a while after, following me with his friends and trying to degrade me in front of everyone but the less I showed I cared, the more he went away until one day it stopped. My ex is currently in prison where he belongs.
Then came my second relationship and this is where everything gets complicated. Sex no longer had a meaning to me, there was no ‘love making’ and to be honest it didn’t feel good for me. As always my relationship started great! We were loved up and everything was great! He was an older guy so I felt pretty flattered that he was interested and I generally liked being with a ‘man’. Someone who spoiled me, someone who worked and was independent. But then things got complicated, we argued all the time and I was made to feel ‘ugly’ Then he told me he didn’t like my friends. Apparently they were all slags and all the guys in my life just wanted sex. As I was still feisty&stubborn, I didn’t listen to him. I laughed as I told him I’d die before I ever left anyone tell me what to do. But I had fallen in love and it felt different this time. All arguments aside, I was happy! I felt as if I had someone who was there for me. Someone who actually loved me and I didn’t feel alone anymore. After a while of not listening and still hanging around with my friends, we had a huge argument. He told me things such as ‘No one will ever love you’ and ‘Everyone is using you, do you really think ANYONE can like you? Your lucky to have me’. I believed every single word I was told. So my friends went out the window. I was completely alone and I had no one there to help me when I needed it. Then things got pretty heavy, I discovered that I was pregnant. At 15. Can you even imagine how scared I was! With a strict mother and My expectation of a young man running at the first of a kid, I felt lost! I wasn’t mentally strong either, I suffered with mild depression which lead me to self harm. I also had bulimia(eating disorder). I hated my body and generally didn’t eat for days! When I did eat I’d be forcing myself to bring it back up. At this time I was also abusing alcohol and drinking everyday. So imagine me trying to cope with a baby?!
So after a week of knowing I told my partner at the time. He made jokes about leaving me but he never did. All the dramas didn’t stop though and we were still arguing all the time. Being hormonal at the too didn’t help, so I tried to end it with him. But his sharp tongue went running again. As I tried to walk away a was being told things like ‘Who will help you with the baby?’ & ‘your 15 and pregnant, who will ever want a cheap slut like you’. I knew being 15 and pregnant was Not the best option but there was nothing I could do! I was young and stupid, however it did help me a lot! I stopped self harming&drinking and began eating properly. My princess helped me change for the better!
So anyway, I stayed with him. I felt as if I had no choice. We went through the pregnancy and at my 5 month scan, we discovered that we were having a baby girl! I was so happy and it suddenly felt real as she began kicking and moving about! But as always life had a real good way in kicking me down! At my five months scan I was informed of a problem with my baby. A condition where the belly doesn’t develop properly so the intestines are outside of the body and the belly isn’t closed up. But I was advised that with a few weeks in an intensive care unit having all the right treatment she would be fine! All it meant was that I would have to have increased scan times and I couldn’t give birth naturally. But I agreed of course!
so at my second scan which was about a week/two later I was informed of a part of the baby’s brain was missing. My work began spinning as I was told that she would be born unable to talk, walk, eat or think for herself. At this point I was heartbroken. My options were take the risk or have a medical termination and after a long think I had to do what was right for my baby. So I had a medical termination. Generally the procedure was so painful it was unreal! It was basically a giant needle that went into my belly and in to the baby and whatever they injected stopped the baby’s heartbeat. I died along side my baby that day, as I watched her heartbeat stop on the screen in front of me. I was told that I could be induced into labour in two days time. So I carried my baby inside me for two days, just constantly crying as I was still expecting her to kick! I lost all feelings that day. However I gave birth on the 22nd of March. I screamed in labour for six and a half hours as I was pumped with more and more morphine. After an overdose up the hospital I was given an epidural and had my system flushed. I gave birth to my princes however I crashed from exhaustion. A few hours psat until I woke up and asked to see my baby. I held her there in my arms. I felt her cold skin against mine and I cried as I was still hoping that she would just cry and come back.
Where was my family throughout all my pain? Gone.
Where was my partner throughout all my pain? haha! He was sleeping with every Jane, Claire and Stacey. Just like a typical bloke, when it mattered he was gone. I didn’t want to believe what he was up too and to be honest, I was too weak to fight back. So I allowed it to happen. I then become brave and tried to leave time&time again. But I was told things like ‘Look, you’ve lost your baby and you have no one. What makes you think they’ll be there now?’ And ‘Do you blame me for cheating? Your fat and ugly, you couldn’t even look after a baby!’ At the time I was suffering with mad depression and I generally agreed with what he was saying. So I swallowed my pride and allowed myself to become a door mat. Even though I was still suffering. All I wanted was our baby back. Along all this I obviously had people talking as they didn’t agree with my decision. They laughed, made jokes and nasty comments. I got asked questions such as ‘You killed your baby, didn’t you?’
generally things got hard for me. And i started self harming again. My head was getting more and more fucked up and I was just constantly crying and killing myself seemed like the easy option. So I began to prepare myself, writing notes, making videos, generally explaining everything that was going on in my life. I sat there with razor in hand, thinking about all that I had lost. I sat there thinking that no one cared. I had lost all my friends, my family were not there for me at all&the baby’s dad, pftttttt! He was still doing his thing behind my back&making me feel like constant shit. I had lost myself. I had nothing left.
As I sat there thinking about everything that was going on, the smallest voice was calling out on my head. The most sassy voice I’ve heard. It was the real me. The Tough, in your face part of me! I remember at that moment I was telling myself that I was a fool. When did I ever care what other people thought? I am tough&I don’t need anyone. My baby has to live on through me and I will make her proud. That day I stood up. Wiped away my tears and I made myself happy. I got rid of the baby’s dad. I got my friends back&moved out of my mums.
Im still depressed and I do still suffer from bad thoughts however, I am happy and I am free. I found my inner strength and I used my experiences to work on myself. I am social and do like to keep busy these days but I took the negative out of my life. I am single handedly the strongest 17 year old I have ever met.
My life now, I’m working and partying and there isn’t a care in the world for me. I do still get people saying stupid shit and my ex is still putting out petty rumours. But with everything I have been through, that’s nothing. I am actually living right now. I don’t need a man in my life and of course I still miss my princess. But my goal is to make her proud. I am independent, strong and I will never be broken. I don’t let people bother me and I will never depend on an anyone from now on.
When I am at my low place and things get on top of me, i turn it into positive things. Such as charity events, or going to the gym.
In life you can overcome anything that gets thrown at you, all you need to do is find your strength. Your reason to keep going no matter how small or big. And generally from my experience it does get better. I haven’t gone into 100% detail because I feel as if I’m writing a book. But my story goes so emotional and dark that I don’t want to put a negative vibe out there. hopefully from my experience you can see things get better and hopefully you can find yourself again.
There is always a lighter time. Although I personally don’t believe in god&i don’t believe that this life is a test. I mean, if that’s the case how come we all have different tests? Why do we get pushed beyond breaking point in some ‘test of life’. I do believe that everything happens for a reason. So just hold on because things play out.
you are beautiful and your life is what you make it. Don’t give in and know you are worth more than to take your own life. Someone is always here for you&I’ll be that someone.
You can ask/tell me anything, I’m always here for everybody and I’ll always be open and honest about my story or views.
Thanks for for reading beauties and I wish you all the best!