It’s funny how things work, I suppose. I always seem to end up right where I started; in the dark. I’ve been trying to sleep for the past few hours but nothing is working, I’m disgustingly wide awake.
I’m just going to write how I’ve been feeling lately in this post, you don’t need to read it, not at all I just need an outlet.
My older brother and his wife had moved out, right? well, they’re back. I should’ve expected it, I really should have. On top of that the man who made me first start to hate myself, my grandfather, lives here now too. That’s 9 people in a 3 bedroom house, and needless to say, I feel like I’m losing it. Not one day goes by that I don’t do something wrong. I could lose the ball that keeps my ring in my lip, sweep everything to the middle of the floor to find it because my eyes are bad and I cannot lose this, and I find it and go to use a mirror to place it back on, and my sister in law is already screaming about me before I even get the chance to finish sweeping. It’s not just “Oh hey, Hana, mind finishing sweeping this up?” so I could explain, no, it’s onto “THIS LAZY STUPID ***** WON’T FINISH WHAT SHE STARTED. WHY DOES SHE EVEN LEAVE HER ROOM? NO ONE WANTS HER.” and it literally killed me. I was literally walking out of my room to finish it before I went to bed, I just had to make sure I didn’t lose my ring, y’know?
I can’t even eat without being insulted, I feel so insecure when I go to eat. I’ve been “forgetting” to eat lately too… They think I’m selfish for eating alone in my room, but I can’t eat in front of them anymore, it makes me sick.
I’ve been trying so hard to reach out to my friends all summer (even if I had night classes at the college for GED) and they’d make plans with me and then back out because their other friends had wanted them around instead.
I guess there’s an upside? I’ll be 17 soon, I’m terrified though. I never imagined turning 15 much less 17 and it’s scaring me because I don’t want to get older. People say that’s normal, but what’s normal about a kid who always daydreamed about something happening to keep them from getting old? Wait, it must be this fucked up society, yeah that’s it. I’m terrified of the world, my mum won’t even let me go to the cinema (not that I do anyways, but a friend had asked and mum told them flat out “no”) because of the shootings that have been happening, I guess that’s understandable. I don’t want to die, sure I don’t want to get older either; but death is intimidating… Although that doesn’t stop the thoughts of how I would end it coming to my mind, thoughts of why I should end it…
I’m so scared, because I’ve only got maths left before I’m shoved into college, and I’m not ready. I’m not ready at all. I’ve got to find a job, I’ve gotta help with bills, I’ve gotta get my license (next year but that’ll happen sooner rather than later) I feel so alone. I can’t contact friends because I believe they’re sick of me, I don’t want to lose them…
So I guess that’s why I turned here again, an outlet… And no one who knows my real name or face will ever find it.
Thanks for listening… reading??